1)how to get rid of that secret admirer:
talk about your bowel movements in detail.
at any given chance.
why?
because i like to shut down the popular belief
that woman do not shit.
we do.
a lot.
it's awesome.
when i poop
i tell people i'm taking a crippity crap.
and then i continue to crip walk from my kitchen to the bathroom
all the while my father shakes his head in disbelief.
the disbelief that he is 1/2 of the reason for my existance.
ITS ON!
2) funerals
why?
i have no explanation for this.
i'm asking why?
funerals.
are fucking disgusting.
i don't want anyone to see my dead body.
nonetheless covered in the worst quality foundation one can find.
i recently went to a funeral home where my mother touched the corpulence
or her uncle as one would often refer to him before he became "the corpulence".
i immediately chopped off her arm from elbow to fingertip.
with a guillotine.
a miniature one.
fyi. i bought this on guillotine.com/miniature.
caused a bit of a scene.
but it was a necessity.
....
in reality i turned to her and whispered,
"never touch me with that hand ever again"
then i did the sign of the cross
and continued to condoleanzer the family in mourning.
3) girls who wear sandals with no nylons with mini dresses in the winter.
dear girls from outside the province of Quebec who go to Mcgill:
enjoy the urinary tract infection.
and the yeast infection according to my mother.
because when its -30 outside.
everyone knows that the only way to properly warm up your toes
is to stick them into your vagina.
but seriously.
i have nothing more to say because i like being warm
and not showing my pasty ass white legs in the dead of winter.
and 95% of the time they're wearing like the UGLIEST shoes.
if they were nice. i'd be like. okaie. avec raison.
but NOT EVEN.
its all about panty hose and booties, kids.
because being sick sucks.
and everyone knows
you can still be a first class slut while wearing jeans.
trust me
i promise you.
it's possible.
