Bridesmaid Etiquette

This post has been inspired by the recent events that have taken place in the past year (2012):
My brother's wedding
The movie "bridesmaids"
And more specifically
TLC's "say yes to the dress: bridesmaids"

Now.
I like to believe that i was
and will
Make a fantastic bridesmaid to anyone who assigns me that task.
I know this because when my friend sam asked if i'll wear a muff for her future nutuals.
I quickly responded by saying
"Ill wear a dick on my forehead if that's what you want"

And that's just it.
The word "maid"
Is actually medieval for "bitch"
according to my encyclopedia.
Hence,
Making you "the bride's bitch".
If the bride says jump,
You say how high.
If the bride wants her wedding to be
"Little Bo Peep" themed
You go to the farm
And you steal five lambs.
Shoot the farmer
(with a shot gun, because god knows you have no aim)
In the chest.
Tip over a cow (just because at that point, you kind of have to)
And RUN.

At the end of the day
(because there's always that one bridesmaid)
Its not your wedding.
You are not important.
You are an accessory.
An embellishment to the event.
You are the Swarovski detail
Added to the
Dress that was perfectly fine without it.
But the bride likes "bling"

Now
This is like
12 years overdue:
Can we all take a moment
To ctrl, alt, del
The word "bling" from our vocabulary
right along with "cutie patutie"

and "SWAG".
because a swag to me
is and always will be
an elaborate floral arrangment
one hangs over a door frame.
circa 1998
thanks to my cousin Nadia.
Learn your DIY
mother fuckers.

A month never too late...

Another year has gone
Another Victoria's Secret fashion show has caused many a man to come.
- Me

This is my ode to the annual Victoria's Secret models
and their annual fashion show.
The one hour of the year where
Everyone who isn't Brazillian wants to kill themselves.
I actually wrote this post like, 2 months ago
but then I got lazy.
Personally,
I like to celebrate the event
By sitting my fat ass in front
Of the television
Eating a tub of icecream
Crying tears of fat
Collecting said tears of fat
Then eating them.
Supermodels are the female equivalent
To professional sports athletes
Except men arent motivated to starve
Themselves dry
When watching the super bowl.

I for one,
Have a love/hate relationship
With models.
Considering that I was morbidly obese
By the age of 6
With legs as lengthy as a tree stump
I always knew that i would never grace the editorial pages of Vogue magazine.
And thats okay
Because i have a low metabolism.
It's not my fault
But that of my parents
And ancestors before them.
So
WAY TO GO mom and dad.

So we'll start with the positive
Since that's what im all about
I fucking love models because
Who else can sell a perfume that smells like granny ass
USING THEIR EYES!!!!

Secondly.
I love them because i hate them
But i dont really hate them because i love them
Im sorry but anyone that can sell me something that i dont need
Just by contorting their body and
Pulling a face
That
had i try to imitate,
While being photographed:
Would look like a stroke victim
Is A-OK in my books.

Now onto the negs:
Those tiny nipples
Anyone else notice how models
(all of them)
have the same nipples you had when you were like, 5 years old?

I use to major in history
Here's a fun fact:
Models
Specifically
VS models
are the founders, forefathers
And Führers
of the "duckface" movement.
So if there is any finger to point
That finger is pointed in the direction
Of those sexy women.
Now everyone thinks that just because they pout in a photo
That they look like a VS model
When
sorry to break to you
But you look like a fucking idiot.

Ps.
The Million Dollar Bra:

I don't know about you,
but when i take off my bra
(the days i wear one)
I usually throw it somewhere
That is closest to my person and the floor
Then i usually cant find it for 3 days
Plus im not down
For crackheads
Breaking into my house
Like that.
Seriously
You can buy a lot of crack
With a million dollars.