A STUDY: sleeping pills

I took a sleeping pill LIVE
They're called "zoplicone"
(Feel free to wikipedia that shit)
Apparently they go by the name of "z-drug" on "the street" (or some shit).
Win-win situation
Cos I need money
and i need to sleep to stay alive.
therefore
win and win.
I've got maybe 6 different prescriptions that
I'd be more than willing to sell
To the highest bidder.


If you're asking yourself is she's gonzo right now?
I surely am
I keep writing the wrong things then I have to delete and re-write them.
Its kind of a piss off.
Trying to see how long it takes me to feel completely zonked.
To the point where my phone just falls on my stomach
and I'm staring in front of me like I just saw god.
Then I think
"thank god I didn't buy that ceramic cat at the dollarstore."
That would have been fuuuucked.

What else do I feel like discussing before sleeping (for like 3 hours)
before insomnia walks in the door dressed like "rosario"
karen's maid from will and grace
waking me up gently so she can change my bedsheets


Hand job nails.
If you live in rdp. Laval. St leo
and spread out all over the greater island region of montreal
excluding nuns island (duh nuns don't give hand jobs unless they're flying nuns)
Marguerite Bourgeois my ass.
So back to the point I was trying to make
Hand job nails are those plasticy looking hand nails
everyone get done at the viets.
(By the viets. I mean vietnamese. Not imitating a jewish yeta saying "the vet"
they can also be done by koreans
or if it were my world.
Taking a big bowl and throwing them all in said bowl and mixing them well enough that no one can then know the diff.
Hence shutting down the prejudice that all asians look alike
After having taken them to the eggbeating chambers you can have shaq come out of there looking like dakota's fanny.
(editor's note: HAHAHAHA!!!)

So back to handjob nails.
They usually have a french manicure or like some really tacky airbrush pattern
that honestly doesn't look good on anyone unless they're sitting in your grandmother's upstairs kitchen talking bad about the next door neighbors.
Plus they look like porn star nails (so I've been told)
hence.
Handjob nails.
I'll give you an example of how to approach someone with handjob nails:

Me: nice handjob nails
Them: what?
Me: *walks away*

Simple as 123

Final disclaimer. I will definately only read this tomorrow so I can laugh and aside from minor technical error minus the ones that turned out randomly hilarious I will post this text as is and send it to the canadian psychiatric association with a giant letter heading stating:

"This is why you don't give perscription sleeping pills to a 22 year old"

And do something about the metal taste fuck.

Now excuse me while I go drive my car from the real deep to laval
with 10 lb weights in both hands
while someone throws flash cards in my face to test my short division skills.
Cause everyone knows that...
why the dick doesn't bbm have a "pie" symbol?

pie equals 3.14 which is one of the only things I remember from highschool math.
That and pythagoras' theorem
but that's just because I fucked pythagoras

The end!

another long and pointless one

SUP GUYCE?!?!?!



I'm starting a new thing
so when someone pisses you off you say:

"Go suck a grasshopper's ass"

Imagine sucking a grasshopper's ass?
That's fucking disgusting
Like you'd have to spread the legs.
And do grasshoppers even have an ass?
I'd imagine it'd be a lot like sucking victoria beckham's ass
Like sucking on an empty juice box
But she's pregnant now
So...
Kinder surprise!!
(yes. totally uncalled for but tough fucking titties)



I'm at the clinic LIVE
Aka my home away from home
And obv I have to be seated next to
The token "gremlin creature" of the hospice.
You know its gunna be good
When said gremlin is about 500 lbs
With a mustachio
And SHE starts violently choking on her coffee
Screaming "esti q'c'est chaud"
No shit.
She's currently pulling a sweat while she reads
What seemingly is an erotic noveletta.
It might be twilight though.
Ill get back to you on that one.
You have to see the man next to me
He's pulling the exact "fuck my world up the ass" face as I am
I bet you he's thinking the same thing as I am too

"Why is there a tv. And why isn't "the view" on?"

So I just turned to him and said
"Its not 11 yet"


Allergic reaction to dancing cats?
I'm sure this is the question everyone has been asking themselves these days
My brother is allergic to kitty kats
(That and he's also allergic to NOT being annoying)
Hahahahahhahahahahahhahhahahhaa.
So the other day he had an allergic reaction to som som
And everyone was perplexed as to what caused this.
So this is the part where where I come in (obv)
With my brilliant theory (ditto)
That he (my brother) had been cornered in a dark alley
By a litter of
you guessed it,
professional ballet jazz dancing cats.
Then I continued to hum the song from the opening scene of west side story
With my claws out (like a cat).
After that is a blur since I was laughing for a good 5 minutes or so.
At my own joke?
Yes.
all by myself?
You know it.

selena gomez is a pedofile

imagine someone actually sees this post and calls the cops?

"Selena gomez is banging a 16 year old child"

it's the biebs
the patron saint of "lesbian haircut"
bah
i'd hit that
if he were like
25.

and his last name was Timberlake.


If Cinderella were invented in 2011.
i'd be cinderfella.
and i'd be pregnant,
16
and my prince charming would have just left me for a sluttier french girl.
ie. the story of my life
he'd also masturbate to world of warcraft.
i'd LITERALLY have to light my tits on fire to get his attention

so to recap:

i'm pregnant.
16.
and there's a charred inverted hole
where my tits use to be.
On a movie screen.
wait for it...
in 3-D.

Speaking of tits...
(whatchu sayyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)


Has anyone else noticed how trucks are like
the big tits of the highway?
they're big
all you notice
fun to touch?
I'd imagine you wouldn't want to have your head lodged between them.
nor would you want it ramming you into a sidewall on the service road
during 8am rush hour...
not cool.
AT all.

beeteedubbbbbbbza

i'm starting a facebook group called
"i miss the old pope"


Join!

saturday afternoon pensieris.

1)how to get rid of that secret admirer:

talk about your bowel movements in detail.
at any given chance.
why?
because i like to shut down the popular belief
that woman do not shit.
we do.
a lot.
it's awesome.
when i poop
i tell people i'm taking a crippity crap.
and then i continue to crip walk from my kitchen to the bathroom
all the while my father shakes his head in disbelief.
the disbelief that he is 1/2 of the reason for my existance.
ITS ON!


2) funerals

why?
i have no explanation for this.
i'm asking why?
funerals.
are fucking disgusting.
i don't want anyone to see my dead body.
nonetheless covered in the worst quality foundation one can find.
i recently went to a funeral home where my mother touched the corpulence
or her uncle as one would often refer to him before he became "the corpulence".
i immediately chopped off her arm from elbow to fingertip.
with a guillotine.
a miniature one.
fyi. i bought this on guillotine.com/miniature.
caused a bit of a scene.
but it was a necessity.
....
in reality i turned to her and whispered,
"never touch me with that hand ever again"
then i did the sign of the cross
and continued to condoleanzer the family in mourning.


3) girls who wear sandals with no nylons with mini dresses in the winter.

dear girls from outside the province of Quebec who go to Mcgill:
enjoy the urinary tract infection.
and the yeast infection according to my mother.
because when its -30 outside.
everyone knows that the only way to properly warm up your toes
is to stick them into your vagina.
but seriously.
i have nothing more to say because i like being warm
and not showing my pasty ass white legs in the dead of winter.
and 95% of the time they're wearing like the UGLIEST shoes.
if they were nice. i'd be like. okaie. avec raison.
but NOT EVEN.
its all about panty hose and booties, kids.
because being sick sucks.
and everyone knows
you can still be a first class slut while wearing jeans.
trust me
i promise you.
it's possible.

ugly faces

if one were to conduct a devious plot which consisted of inventing scam charity.
wherein 100% of proceeds would go towards funding the car being used by the human life-form demonstrated in exhibit A,B,C and D.
but masked in the form of brothers and sister's club "please adopt me, brother" advertisement...

which photo would one choose to promote said scam charity?

rdpanguage.

i don't know about you...
but nothing makes me feel more feminine.
than catching random men staring down my low cut cardigan.
i write the amount of eyeballs in my diary right before i cry myself to sleep.
i don't know what possessed me to not wear a tank-top.
maybe the fact that i cannot function before 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
(baby needs her fourteen hours of undisturbed beauty rest)
hence. oversight?
or the fact that my drawers look like charlie sheen had a coke-induced sexfest in them.
in return making it impossible to find anything.
except used condoms and rolled up 20 dolla billz.
and the little kid from 2 and a half men
(knowatimsayin'?!?!?!?!!?!?!)

anyway the point of this entry is to show everyone in the world
or 12 followers.
five of whom are the same person twice (spanks guys!)
the bordello of a town i live in.
(NEVER to be mistaken with the funtimes moulin rouge genre bordello)

the town of: riviere des prairies
(aka. rdp. aka the "real deep pussy" -copyright the ginge-)

never have i had the opportunity to run errands on a friday afternoon
without almost ramming into the car in front of me while i'm driving
(or "doin' mah thang" as i often put it...)
who puts their left flicker on
a mere moment before he/she slams on the breaks.

once in the maxi parking lot i was straitening out renee zelweggger.
(if you were wondering: yes i call my mother's car "renee zelwegger")
i check my surroundings and as im backing up
this betch in a murano flies past me
like a car wound up and thrown onto slip n' slide.
coated entirely in a thick sheath of petroleum jelly.

a demonstration of the cesspool that is rdp driving skillz in

3
2
1


*clears froat*
this was in the parking lot of blockbuster.
i DIED when i saw this and i just HAD to capture it.
not only did he park at 45 degree angle
but he also parked in a handicapped parking space.
the parking lot was empty too.

here's another view:

ps. this car belongs to yours truly.
(if you were wondering, i refer to myself as "he" almost all of the time)






this is the best.
this is the aftermath
of a city bus.
crashing into someone's front yard.
the fucking 43 man.
what i would have given to be a passenger on that bus.
if i were given a bus
and were told to ride said bus.
i would do the EXACT same thing.

then blame it on "the voices"
as the old saying goes:

"you can always catapolt a city bus into a fence.
just tell people you're marlena evans from days of our lives"
(FUCK yes. 3rd reference in the entire history of this blizzy-og!)

">
*jump to 0:56!!!!!!*

"poor marlena. girlfriend, you are a mess!"

HA! Classic!

walking in a winterwonderfuckmyliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiife.

I live in canada. yes. we have snow.
but FUCK (seriously)
this morning i was jumping over snow hills like fucking balto himself..
all the way to the bus stop and i caught the bus by maybe a half-second.
so TECHNICALLY:
if i were not resilient and nymph-like (in every way shape and form)
-being that i am god's personal prima ballerina and all.
i would have missed that bus.
and i know the rat woman is thanking every single cosmic force in the universe that this did not happen.
because i would have strait up punched her across the fucking head.
(something about the holidays that brings out the vurry best in me..)

the rat woman: looks and acts like a rat. hence further proving my theory that people who look like rats.
act like rats.
look at snoop dogg.
and this guy that came to my elementary school.
his name was frank.
he was pure rat.and obv. the resident juvenile delinquent.
why is she the rat woman one would ask?
besides being the identical twin sister of splinter from the ninja turtles.
this betch waits at the front of the bus line.
however, be forewarned that:
the concept of a LINE does not exist in riviere des prairies.
and she cuts in the line after about 3 people get on the bus.
and true to rat form,
takes the last available seat on the bus.
rat woman.

so allegedly we're harboring dead bodies in my house
because the heating is like never on.
and the mother screams at me every time i do.
my nip nips can nearly carve out a statue of "the david".
david allan grier.
i swear to you when i say i sleep with 5 layers of sheetness.
and one is a duvet.
duvet allan grier.

what else.

sidenote: i want to be in the nutcracker.
peecaz cracking nuts is my forte.

so my new years resolution is to be more positive.
because im not a miserable old man.
i'm young.
and my boobs are really perky
so no need to be negative now is there?!

basically:

the old negative melnutso thinks:

"i want to hijack santa's sleigh and take santa and his reindeer to china.
i'll take them to a bamboo garden.
strap them to the ground and sit there for 2 weeks
(in the foldy camping chair i got at canadian tire which in reality means i stole it from minty's garage.)
while bamboo grows right through their fucking foreheads.

however

the new positive melnotnutso thinks:

"this calls for sears photo studio opp..who's down for some ugly t-shirt, fake fireplace mantle editorial posing?!"

i know i am.

and for you pleasure but in reality just the pleasure of mine-own:

">

JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ-AH!