Holiday Scripting

This post takes inspiration from those
Jimmy Kimmel segments where he tells parents
to tell their kids they're adopted
while filming it.
In order to put it on youtube
with the hopes of generating
some serious
lols.
(That's what they get for making you watch Ice Age 50 bazillion times.
AM I RIGHT?!)

so instead,
I have created a template.
That parents can print out and send to their children.
a couple of days before christmas?
on christmas?
You can give them this shit in July.
Whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

here it goes:

"Dear Children,

Santa had a heart attack.
This is the direct result of leaving his house only once a year
to ride around in a sleigh
while living on a diet of milk and cookies.
Maybe the circumstances would have been different
had he gifted himself some cardiovascular exercise
and a salad.
The angioplasty is scheduled for the New Year
so Santa is stricken to his bed.
We are currently seeking a therapist
for an emotionally distressed Rudolph.
We ask that you pray that Santa will be able to resume his commitments in 2013
Depending on mommy's financial situation.
Hopefully,
by then,
Holts will file for bankruptcy protection
or mommy will have gone blind so as not to see their wonderful holiday window display
as she passes by every day to and from work.

Until then.
Be good.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Clause"

Yeah. it might be spelled "Claus"
but I don't give a fuck.
and neither should you.
Children don't know how to read sometimes.
win-win situation.

A lesson in the feminine art, etiquette and mystique.

hi
my name is(wika wika- slim shady)
Melissa Nudo
And I am a tease
Guilty as charged.
I like to think that it is
a woman's birth right
To use their looks,
Charm,
And personality
(And YES you DEF need one of those too)
AKA. Wits and Tits
To their advantage
To a certain extent.
If there is a god,
He wouldn't want us all to be whores
Cause let's face it
There aren't that many stones
(or maybe there are, however, for arguement sake)
On earth
to take down an army of hos
(Biblical or otherwise)

I would flirt with pail of soggy garbage
If this pail of soggy garbage
could somehow get a boner.
Then I strategically exit the conversation
By saying something along the lines of:
"Anyway"
As I turn my back,
Move 2 inches away
And laugh
Like the witch that I am.
(Sabrina the teenage witch with a side order of Topanga)

Its not that I don't like men.
I do
A lot.
Its just that I want men to WANT me
Not "want" me.
There's a difference between "want"
And WANT.
Some girls accept "want".
"want" is when a guy
Couldn't care less
If you had a vagina
Or if you were a cactus plant.
WANT is WANT
A loss of control
When a man's inhibitions are thrown out the window
(of his honda civic or volkswagon usually)
I want a man to WANT me.
I want them to lose control
I want to be in control.
I am in control.

But usually
Like
95% of the time
They will never have me.
The other 5% are the babes.
The ones i like to refer to as
The "Bah! When in rome..." Cases.

Inevitably
or more specifically,
95% of the time.
conversations ends
Abruptly like so:

"Anyway!"
turning my back
Moving 2 inches away...
And laugh.

I like to think that when this occurs,
Said man turns around screaming
"NOOOO!!!!"
Followed by him cutting his dick off
with an axe.
However one could only wish...
For it is supposedly a man's
Birth right
To stick said dick in anything
With or without a pulse.
So in reality
The immediate reaction
Would be "NEXT"

Unless they have low self-esteem
In this case
They're crying themselves to sleep
Masturbating in front of a full length mirror
Screaming "I'M PATHETICCC!!!"
And
"MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME!!!"
and
"I'M SOILING MYSELF, IM SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN URINE
AND I DON'T EVEN CAREEEEE!!!!!!!!"

Then again
I have a most enviable imagination
And if the world worked
Like I imagine it
We'd all be having our asses
Eaten out
By michael jackson and hitler zombies
(Self explanatory)

momz

If I ever have a daughter
As per previous post
"God willing"
My words of wisdom would be
"If you're gunna be a whore
Make sure he wraps that shit up"
Cause the only thing worse
Than being a whore
Is having a baby
Who's born with herpes in their eyes
("Baby, you were born this way"
Does not apply under said circumstances)

And for the love of god
Don't flaunt it.
The best whore
Is the whore
That no one thinks is a whore
The idea is to be the best whore you can be
And the element of surprise is key
Then you tell them:
"My last name is 'Nudo'"
Fyi-
The reaction to those 5 words
Is usually
"Ohhh shiiiiittt, are you serious?"
Damn right, oh shit.

But I'm not a whore

If I did have kids,
Once again,
"God willing"
I wouldn't want to be one of them
Rotten WOP moms on my bus
the ones with no sense of style
who scream talk about their lives
Like whatever happens is the most
Intense fucking thing you can experience
On this entire earth.
Like their son's confirmation
Would have the equivalent validity in life
As an announcement
Announcing a cure for AIDS.
Stop the fucking presses!!!
My kid lost his first tooth.
Imagine if you gave these broads some MDMA.
and put on some Michael Buble.

And they all name their kids the same fucking thing:

Isabella
Luca
Gianluca
Emma
Stephanie
Vanessa
Melissa (!!!!)
Michael
Anthony
SNOREEEE

Cause their lives would be a complete waste
Without the safety of knowing
That 58 other kids will raise up their hands
In a classroom
When a teacher calls out their name.


Best baby name ever?
AUDIO SCIENCE
I love you shannyn sossamon.
And even better than that?
PILOT INSPEKTOR
That's right
Inspector
With a fucking "k"
BOOM!
Ill bet my life savings
That kid came out of the womb
Wearing a monacle
Screaming
"MMMMYIESSSS?!?!?!"

my attempt and consequent fail at fashion bloggerdom

Initially i wanted to create a weekly segment
titled
"Rotten Slut in the Mirror"
...
We'll see how lazy i get...

so this is how I look when I go out at night
If you're asking yourself
"What the fuck?"
The answer is
yeah.
I'm low budget like that
and the only full-length mirror in my house
is in the hallway
so suck all of my asses

I've tongue-in-cheekily titled this look:

"Rainbow Brite's cracked-out whore of a sister"

White sheer tank top
(American Apparel)
Cause
Duh
If I wasn't wearing a bra
You could see my tits

Bra
(la senza)
or as i often refer to it as
The "meh" victoria's secret
I liked this color cause it reminded me
Of the type of color
Hulk hogan's wife would wear
Wait for it
On her lips.
(the ones on her face)

Sick mutha fuggin green jeans
(Zara)
Prounounced "sarra"
I don't have much to say about these
Except that:
1) they're sick
And 2) people can see me from long distances
When crossing the street
Hence lessening the chances
That they will hit me with their car

espadrilles
(Christian Louboutin)
You read right
Bitch.
I got these on ebay
Given their perfect weight
and potential gravitational pull
I imagine myself one day
Throwing these across the house
At my child
(God willing)
When he/she pisses me off

success is when...

you're too black
to wear the foundation you were wearing 3 weeks ago.
yes.
you know me.
i dream big.
my goal this summer
is to reach Whoopi Goldberg
blackness.
and what all you future
"rappatas" dont know
is that doing so
entails that you should be using
spf 60.
and by "rappata"
i most definately mean
the late.
the great.
eunice kennedy shriver's face.
because my immediate reaction
when i saw her face
about 3 and a half years ago
on the internet
in a computer room at champlain
was:
"MINGIA!"
so unless you want to look
like your face is
literally melting off your head
forcing self-loathing italians everywhere
to scream out
"MINGIA"
in a semi-packed mac computer-filled room on the south shore...
when they see your sexy face
on justjared.com
SPF 60.

so for some reason
never fails
my esthetician and i
always end up having an hour long coversation
about her 17 year old son.
this means.
i'll be there
with my legs in the air.
in full bikini wax mode
and we're there
talking about:

what he wants to be when he grows up.
what he did during the weekend
what his hobbies are.
how long he can hold his breath under water
how big his hands/feet are
so on and so forth.

he seems like a nice kid.
i want to meet him one day
just so i can say:

"...you remind me of my pubes"

and then just walk away.
and i'm gunna be that person
the iconic figure in his life.
who just walked up to him one day
on the street
no hello.
no nothing.
just

"...you remind me of my pubes"

haunting his dreams from that day forward.

it will surely be
without a shadow of a doubt
the best day
of my
and his life.



first plan of action
find out what he looks like.
if all else fails.
i'll just go around RDP
half naked,
disheveled,
barefoot
(like britney spears at her
"breaking car windows with umbrellas" prime)
screaming "CHRISTOPHER!?!?!"

awwww yeah.

I know nobody gives a shit, but...

I vow
(Totally)
To jog every single sunny day this week
Truth is,
I'm going to MIA
(The city.
Not the "all I wanna do is DSH DSH DSH DSH" recording artist from sri lanka)
I have bikinis to wear
And oil to apply (generously)
And the task at hand
will process a lot easier
If doing so would NOT result
In people gauging the eyeballs
Out of their skull
The consequence of which
really does a number on my self-esteem
The truth is:
I like to run because I hate children
But I love it when they're on bikes
Riding in my direction
Facilitating the necessary (quite)
reaction
Of clothes-lining them in the throat
As I run past them
Using the earbud cord
Attached to my ipod
Fucking Braveheart style
Bitch don't play.

Topic number dos

Tattoos

Here's lookin' at you tribal arm band
So I kinda sorta wanna get a tattoo...
But there is a severely thin line
Between pensive and fucking disgusting
Like someone injected barf into the
Surface of your skin
In the shape of a pretty little butterfly
or flower of sorts
As my friend bianca from champlain
Put it perfectly:

"What the fuck am I gunna do with tinkerbelle on my back when I'm 50"

Golden.

What makes me really laugh?
People that get historical monument tattoos.
I don't know anyone (or do I?)
But what would possess someone,
Or who would have such a strong specific affinity
Towards a building or a statue
To get it tattooed to a random location on their body?
What?
Did your grandfather build it or something?
My grandfather helped build the Olympic Stadium
That doesn't mean (or does it)
I'm gunna go get it tattooed
To the entire side of my torso
Fucking biodome sprawling out onto my stomach
Botanical gardens on my ass
And piece de resistance
Pie X street sign on the outer part
Of my index finger
So when I hold my finger up to my lips
As if to say "shh"
I'll be saying "ghettoooo" instead
Very sexy

Ps. The only tattoo idea I ever considered was stolen
and LAMELY modified
by this fucking loser
that use to
(and probably still does for that matter)
get hard
looking at his own reflection
in the mirror

transferred

for all of you skeptics out there
this post will focus on what you hear
when you're on the phone
after after you hear:
"please hold. while i transfer. your call"


Holocaust music
Cause nothing says "good morning sunshine"
And "thank you for banking with rbc"
Like having to listen to the soundtrack
To Schindler's list
For 10 minutes strait
While having to wait
For the next appropriate agent
Who probably has no idea what they are doing
Or what you are talking about.
The monumental
yet haunting violin and somber pianonic melody.
Not to be confused with the incestuous celebration of sound
that is
"the fiddle".
Along with ridding myself of the task at hand (my fave)
i like to take this time
to imagine myself on top of an auschwitzial mountain
In black and white
Amount a black stallion
Staring down at the auscwitziness
In liam neeson disguise.
True to Schindler's list soundtrack form,
one would pray for track 4.
Which just so happens to be my "track du jour"
To be playing
the day
I hang myself from the ceiling of my room



Charlie brown music
I love charlie brown
I am the live action charlie brown
Except I have long hair
am of the female gender
And I would never wear a yellow tshirt
With brown shoes

Now there's 2 types of charlie brown musics:

1) The type where pigpen be actin' the foo
doing that dance they all do
where it looks like they're seizing on their feet
as dust be boucin' up all around that bitch
And by "that bitch"
I mean Lucy's slutty ass and her kleptomaniacal
Slut hands of football snatching proportions.

And

2) the song that plays when charlie brown gets fucked over YET AGAIN.
or more popularly known as
the song that plays on arrested development when george michael breaks up with anne.
also known as
The theme song to my life
Not to be mistaken for the other theme song to my life
which is
anything by the Wu Tang Clan


Taylor swift or equivalent vomit inducing music
This is the part where I put my headset volume to 1 so as to not torment my ears with the equally vomit inducing sound of
"I'm 16 and my life is the WOOOOOOORRRST"
that. or
Something that sounds like its being sung
By those fucking assholes from Glee
I don't care what anyone says
That show can eat shit.
you see,
People with permanent "bitchface"
With the word "fuck you"
Written across their forehead
or "me" in short.
Are not legally permitted to watch Glee.
More importantly,
If I wanted to watch 30 minutes of non-stop
canned cheese,
Ill watch an hour and 40 minutes
Of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Thank you very much