My childhood vs whatever the hell is going on in 2013

"Some children have legitimate learning disabilities
and then there are those
who have yet to come to term
with the fact that the teacher
is not an ipad."

yes
I just quoted myself.

this here post
is a comparative effort.

We didnt have any fucking wifi

If you wanted entertainment
You'd go inside
And watch maury
Then you'd go outside and scream
"Y'all don't know me!!!"
At the next 10 people you saw.

You know what i use to play with when i was a kid?

A rotary telephone
I swear to god
I use to pretend i was making long distance phone calls
(The fact that i now work at a call center
Is painfully ironic)
I also invented a game called
"Shoe olympics"
A game where my cousin vanessa and i
Would stand in the middle of the street
And throw our shoes at each other
I once hit her in the face with mine
about 2 days before her communion
Because nothing says WWJD
Like a black eye
On a miniature bride.

When i was bored
my grandmother
Had encyclopedias.
You know
The 26 massive books.
So while my grandparents watched
la RAI
I would sit there with the letter "W"
Reluctantly learning about
Wisconsin and whales.

Then there was "Caramba! Che Fortuna."
For all you non-italians
this was:
A 4 hour variety show
I'd be forced to watch on saturday nights
Starring the 75 year old italian beyonce:
Rafaella carra

La mani destra and sinistra
Maurizio, Mario, Francesco
and about 50 other Eros Ramazzottis
wearing black pleated pants
and a matching black, short-sleeve
turtle neck.

Basically
it was deal or no deal
With apples instead of suitcases.
OK
forced is a strong word.
That show is the main reason
Why i can speak italian
But like
Not at all.

Drunk Girl Etiquette

I was at a Montreal Canadians hockey game
when the idea for this post sprung to my mind.
(If you were wondering, I actually did watch the entire game
multitasking at its finest)

Here lies
A lesson on how to get
Completely
Shitfaced
And still look
like her majesty
of fabulous

In 3 easy steps:

Lipstick


My rule of thumb is no lipstick
Last time i checked
"excentric grandmother on sleeping pills face first in a bowl of soup"
Was never a good look
It reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons
where homer invents the makeup gun
And shoots Marge in the face
on "Whore setting".
Unless you want to look
Like you just gave oral pleasure
to a rainbow
By all means...

Heels

Unless you can walk in them
Please avoid heels at all cost:
Opt for wedges if you have to.
For Nothing pains me more
Than a drunk girl
At 3 am
Walking around looking like
That mother fucker from
Lord of the rings.

Attire


If you're going to wear a mini skirt
Thats 2 sizes too small
All the power to you.
Its the 21st century
And monistat is totally a thing
We have access to:
Like clean drinking water.
But for god's sake wear some normal underwear.
Thongs are sexy
But i dont feel like seeing your
Saggy ass.
Prosciutto belongs in the window of a butcher shop
Not above my head in a night club
Spreading microscopic fecal matter all over my vodka soda
While you're dancing,
Convulsing,
Or whatever it is you think you're doing up there.

Bridesmaid Etiquette

This post has been inspired by the recent events that have taken place in the past year (2012):
My brother's wedding
The movie "bridesmaids"
And more specifically
TLC's "say yes to the dress: bridesmaids"

Now.
I like to believe that i was
and will
Make a fantastic bridesmaid to anyone who assigns me that task.
I know this because when my friend sam asked if i'll wear a muff for her future nutuals.
I quickly responded by saying
"Ill wear a dick on my forehead if that's what you want"

And that's just it.
The word "maid"
Is actually medieval for "bitch"
according to my encyclopedia.
Hence,
Making you "the bride's bitch".
If the bride says jump,
You say how high.
If the bride wants her wedding to be
"Little Bo Peep" themed
You go to the farm
And you steal five lambs.
Shoot the farmer
(with a shot gun, because god knows you have no aim)
In the chest.
Tip over a cow (just because at that point, you kind of have to)
And RUN.

At the end of the day
(because there's always that one bridesmaid)
Its not your wedding.
You are not important.
You are an accessory.
An embellishment to the event.
You are the Swarovski detail
Added to the
Dress that was perfectly fine without it.
But the bride likes "bling"

Now
This is like
12 years overdue:
Can we all take a moment
To ctrl, alt, del
The word "bling" from our vocabulary
right along with "cutie patutie"

and "SWAG".
because a swag to me
is and always will be
an elaborate floral arrangment
one hangs over a door frame.
circa 1998
thanks to my cousin Nadia.
Learn your DIY
mother fuckers.

A month never too late...

Another year has gone
Another Victoria's Secret fashion show has caused many a man to come.
- Me

This is my ode to the annual Victoria's Secret models
and their annual fashion show.
The one hour of the year where
Everyone who isn't Brazillian wants to kill themselves.
I actually wrote this post like, 2 months ago
but then I got lazy.
Personally,
I like to celebrate the event
By sitting my fat ass in front
Of the television
Eating a tub of icecream
Crying tears of fat
Collecting said tears of fat
Then eating them.
Supermodels are the female equivalent
To professional sports athletes
Except men arent motivated to starve
Themselves dry
When watching the super bowl.

I for one,
Have a love/hate relationship
With models.
Considering that I was morbidly obese
By the age of 6
With legs as lengthy as a tree stump
I always knew that i would never grace the editorial pages of Vogue magazine.
And thats okay
Because i have a low metabolism.
It's not my fault
But that of my parents
And ancestors before them.
So
WAY TO GO mom and dad.

So we'll start with the positive
Since that's what im all about
I fucking love models because
Who else can sell a perfume that smells like granny ass
USING THEIR EYES!!!!

Secondly.
I love them because i hate them
But i dont really hate them because i love them
Im sorry but anyone that can sell me something that i dont need
Just by contorting their body and
Pulling a face
That
had i try to imitate,
While being photographed:
Would look like a stroke victim
Is A-OK in my books.

Now onto the negs:
Those tiny nipples
Anyone else notice how models
(all of them)
have the same nipples you had when you were like, 5 years old?

I use to major in history
Here's a fun fact:
Models
Specifically
VS models
are the founders, forefathers
And Führers
of the "duckface" movement.
So if there is any finger to point
That finger is pointed in the direction
Of those sexy women.
Now everyone thinks that just because they pout in a photo
That they look like a VS model
When
sorry to break to you
But you look like a fucking idiot.

Ps.
The Million Dollar Bra:

I don't know about you,
but when i take off my bra
(the days i wear one)
I usually throw it somewhere
That is closest to my person and the floor
Then i usually cant find it for 3 days
Plus im not down
For crackheads
Breaking into my house
Like that.
Seriously
You can buy a lot of crack
With a million dollars.

The Miseducation of Honey Boo Boo

This week my mind
Was taken by the hind legs
And fucked
By a little girl
Named honey boo boo

If you do not know what im talking about
Then i sincerely congratulate you.
For this show,
Is the living example
Of how this world
Is going strait down the shitter.
I seldom watch television
But when i do
This is the programming
i am subjected to...

[This is the part where i list a bunch of things that are wrong with
TLC's Keeping up with Honey Boo Boo.
Im pretty sure that's not what the show is called
But kardashihos
(minus scott..scott's a babe and a half)
got bumped to #2
on my "for shame" list
once i stumbled upon a marathon of this fuckery.]

Exactly 3 episodes later
After picking my jaw up off the floor.
This is what i've compiled:

"Sketti"
1) its pronounced "spaghetti"
You're 7
Why isn't anyone correcting you?
2) butter, ketchup and a growing child go together like jenna jameson, a monastery and care bears.


What's with the subtitles?
Way to de-glamify foreign films.
(The hipsters are pissed.)


When you sneeze, cough, burp, fart:
Cover your mouth
I'm the most disgusting human being
This earth has produced
And even i gagged
Like 5 times

Your 17 year old daughter is pregnant?
Really?
Didn't see that one coming
Its like looper.
But not at all


Let me get this strait.
You're a coupon enthusiast
Who insists on putting your child
in beauty pageants.
That totally makes sense.

Holiday Scripting

This post takes inspiration from those
Jimmy Kimmel segments where he tells parents
to tell their kids they're adopted
while filming it.
In order to put it on youtube
with the hopes of generating
some serious
lols.
(That's what they get for making you watch Ice Age 50 bazillion times.
AM I RIGHT?!)

so instead,
I have created a template.
That parents can print out and send to their children.
a couple of days before christmas?
on christmas?
You can give them this shit in July.
Whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

here it goes:

"Dear Children,

Santa had a heart attack.
This is the direct result of leaving his house only once a year
to ride around in a sleigh
while living on a diet of milk and cookies.
Maybe the circumstances would have been different
had he gifted himself some cardiovascular exercise
and a salad.
The angioplasty is scheduled for the New Year
so Santa is stricken to his bed.
We are currently seeking a therapist
for an emotionally distressed Rudolph.
We ask that you pray that Santa will be able to resume his commitments in 2013
Depending on mommy's financial situation.
Hopefully,
by then,
Holts will file for bankruptcy protection
or mommy will have gone blind so as not to see their wonderful holiday window display
as she passes by every day to and from work.

Until then.
Be good.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Clause"

Yeah. it might be spelled "Claus"
but I don't give a fuck.
and neither should you.
Children don't know how to read sometimes.
win-win situation.

A lesson in the feminine art, etiquette and mystique.

hi
my name is(wika wika- slim shady)
Melissa Nudo
And I am a tease
Guilty as charged.
I like to think that it is
a woman's birth right
To use their looks,
Charm,
And personality
(And YES you DEF need one of those too)
AKA. Wits and Tits
To their advantage
To a certain extent.
If there is a god,
He wouldn't want us all to be whores
Cause let's face it
There aren't that many stones
(or maybe there are, however, for arguement sake)
On earth
to take down an army of hos
(Biblical or otherwise)

I would flirt with pail of soggy garbage
If this pail of soggy garbage
could somehow get a boner.
Then I strategically exit the conversation
By saying something along the lines of:
"Anyway"
As I turn my back,
Move 2 inches away
And laugh
Like the witch that I am.
(Sabrina the teenage witch with a side order of Topanga)

Its not that I don't like men.
I do
A lot.
Its just that I want men to WANT me
Not "want" me.
There's a difference between "want"
And WANT.
Some girls accept "want".
"want" is when a guy
Couldn't care less
If you had a vagina
Or if you were a cactus plant.
WANT is WANT
A loss of control
When a man's inhibitions are thrown out the window
(of his honda civic or volkswagon usually)
I want a man to WANT me.
I want them to lose control
I want to be in control.
I am in control.

But usually
Like
95% of the time
They will never have me.
The other 5% are the babes.
The ones i like to refer to as
The "Bah! When in rome..." Cases.

Inevitably
or more specifically,
95% of the time.
conversations ends
Abruptly like so:

"Anyway!"
turning my back
Moving 2 inches away...
And laugh.

I like to think that when this occurs,
Said man turns around screaming
"NOOOO!!!!"
Followed by him cutting his dick off
with an axe.
However one could only wish...
For it is supposedly a man's
Birth right
To stick said dick in anything
With or without a pulse.
So in reality
The immediate reaction
Would be "NEXT"

Unless they have low self-esteem
In this case
They're crying themselves to sleep
Masturbating in front of a full length mirror
Screaming "I'M PATHETICCC!!!"
And
"MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME!!!"
and
"I'M SOILING MYSELF, IM SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN URINE
AND I DON'T EVEN CAREEEEE!!!!!!!!"

Then again
I have a most enviable imagination
And if the world worked
Like I imagine it
We'd all be having our asses
Eaten out
By michael jackson and hitler zombies
(Self explanatory)