My childhood vs whatever the hell is going on in 2013

"Some children have legitimate learning disabilities
and then there are those
who have yet to come to term
with the fact that the teacher
is not an ipad."

yes
I just quoted myself.

this here post
is a comparative effort.

We didnt have any fucking wifi

If you wanted entertainment
You'd go inside
And watch maury
Then you'd go outside and scream
"Y'all don't know me!!!"
At the next 10 people you saw.

You know what i use to play with when i was a kid?

A rotary telephone
I swear to god
I use to pretend i was making long distance phone calls
(The fact that i now work at a call center
Is painfully ironic)
I also invented a game called
"Shoe olympics"
A game where my cousin vanessa and i
Would stand in the middle of the street
And throw our shoes at each other
I once hit her in the face with mine
about 2 days before her communion
Because nothing says WWJD
Like a black eye
On a miniature bride.

When i was bored
my grandmother
Had encyclopedias.
You know
The 26 massive books.
So while my grandparents watched
la RAI
I would sit there with the letter "W"
Reluctantly learning about
Wisconsin and whales.

Then there was "Caramba! Che Fortuna."
For all you non-italians
this was:
A 4 hour variety show
I'd be forced to watch on saturday nights
Starring the 75 year old italian beyonce:
Rafaella carra

La mani destra and sinistra
Maurizio, Mario, Francesco
and about 50 other Eros Ramazzottis
wearing black pleated pants
and a matching black, short-sleeve
turtle neck.

Basically
it was deal or no deal
With apples instead of suitcases.
OK
forced is a strong word.
That show is the main reason
Why i can speak italian
But like
Not at all.

Drunk Girl Etiquette

I was at a Montreal Canadians hockey game
when the idea for this post sprung to my mind.
(If you were wondering, I actually did watch the entire game
multitasking at its finest)

Here lies
A lesson on how to get
Completely
Shitfaced
And still look
like her majesty
of fabulous

In 3 easy steps:

Lipstick


My rule of thumb is no lipstick
Last time i checked
"excentric grandmother on sleeping pills face first in a bowl of soup"
Was never a good look
It reminds me of that episode of The Simpsons
where homer invents the makeup gun
And shoots Marge in the face
on "Whore setting".
Unless you want to look
Like you just gave oral pleasure
to a rainbow
By all means...

Heels

Unless you can walk in them
Please avoid heels at all cost:
Opt for wedges if you have to.
For Nothing pains me more
Than a drunk girl
At 3 am
Walking around looking like
That mother fucker from
Lord of the rings.

Attire


If you're going to wear a mini skirt
Thats 2 sizes too small
All the power to you.
Its the 21st century
And monistat is totally a thing
We have access to:
Like clean drinking water.
But for god's sake wear some normal underwear.
Thongs are sexy
But i dont feel like seeing your
Saggy ass.
Prosciutto belongs in the window of a butcher shop
Not above my head in a night club
Spreading microscopic fecal matter all over my vodka soda
While you're dancing,
Convulsing,
Or whatever it is you think you're doing up there.