Montreal traffic report.

Once upon a time
France bestowed a gift of
The statue of liberty
upon New York.
Similarly,
the overlords of the anti-christ
gifted Montreal
the Metropolitain highway.
AKA
"The 40"


So i don't know about you
But as soon as i get off
the met
having survived another trip
down exit "suicide lane",
Wherein i have to merge through
Three lanes of speeding death.
I immediately spark a celebratorial cig
Because nothing screams
"I made it"
like voluntarily inhaling
toxic fumes.

But seriously.

That fucking highway
Can go to hell.
The ghosts of the Decarie circle
Have witnessed many a meltdown at its expense
As i ultimately end up
At the airport
Or in the west island.

Then there's the pot holes.
Its fun
Its like an obstacle course
But if you hit the obstacle
Your front bumper gets ripped off
And you find yourself letting out
a myriad of
Sighs and Swears
which just so happends to be
the name of the emo band
I decided to invent
after I decided
that Blink 182
can go fuck itself.


Inconsiderate drivers

Fuck you.
Let me pass.
You fucking asshole.

I let, like more or less
75% of people
Cut in front of of me on the highway
But then I remember:
I have a soul.

That song that just HAS to come on

Im sitting in my Hyundai Tucson
i'm in crazy traffic
And i don't have an AUX plug
So at times
When i don't feel like listening
To my assortment of 10 cds
I dare to venture into the mystical universe
That is:
Virgin radio.
At this point,
i've already reassured myself
twice
That its going to be okay
But as the commercial break fades
I begin to hear
a hinting of
What sounds like
it may be
and to my horror
it is
Pitbull.
That,
or some song sampling another song
(Because god forbid you
Pick up an instrument
And write a goddamn melody.)
Instantaneously i begin to feel the urge
Where i want to rip the face
Off of my head
And throw it out
The fucking sun roof.

Editor's note: my car does not have a sun roof either.

Twitter 101 at the University of the Disenchantment

This one goes out
To all the people
Who tweet things like:

"Just went to liquid nutrition
and had a smoothie!! #omnomnom"

I don't know if you got the memo
(The one that i wrote
while on my toilet bowl)
But nobody gives a flying
Deep fried
Fuck
What you're
Doing
Or eating for that matter.
Ever
Thats why they invented little thing called
Instagram.

This information
Does not have to be broadcasted
All over twittertopia.
Spare us.
Unless the straw
Used to drink said smoothie
Has gotten
Lodged in your trachea.
then Call 911.
Or tweet"

"Im choking!!! #fml #seriouslythough"

Correct me if im wrong
(Because i probably am)
But isn't twitter supposed to be
A marketing tool?
The fact that you are bored and
Consequently tired
Is of no concern to anyone.
Unless im a twitter account
Selling flaming batons
(still bored?)

The issue lies in the fact
That we are living in a world
Where everyone wants to be famous
Everyone wants to be a star
And anyone who is anyone knows
That the best way to become famous
Is to somehow
Crawl into a male celebrity's nutsack
And pray to god that you aren't
Swallowed.
Am i right, Will Smith's Kids?


On that note:
Follow me
@melnudohyeah
I never tweet
But if you enjoy this bullshit
There's like
A 70% chance my tweets
Will be equally if not more entertaining.