1) "MTV" edition
Mtv taught me to always put my money on the little talentless white boy with the falsetto that makes liberace roll over in his grave and ass-cream all over his crimson velveteen coffin.
and then place the rest of your moneys on the coked-out white girl dressed in raw meat scraps.
even if there is no option or category of the sort.
you create your own category.
and you put your fucking money on it.
side note.
the word "situation" is dead to me because of MTV
and that asshole.
anytime anyone says "situation"
regardless of context
techno beats and strobe lights start blaring in my head.
i imagine a little orange man start to fist pump to "beat dat beat".
and i just see that bastard's ugly face.
lifting up his shirt and pointing to his abs.
that's what's going on my my head
in reality i start to flick the light switch on and off
while singing "DSH DSH DSH DSH DSH"
2) "nicki minaj's ass" edition
for the record:
i have NOTHING negative to say about this woman.
i adore nicki minaj and i think she belongs nowhere that isnt my fireplace mantle
in an anne of green gables dress and wig
because she is absolutely and completely a doll.
it is with unanimous envy when i say that her ass
deserves an area code of its own.
and a strap holster that can be hooked and placed comfortably onto my body.
when i'm feeling for some discounted kfc.
when i'm pouring 500$ champagne down my ass-crack
or when i'm bending over to smack the ground
which FYI
i've been doing a lot lately.
(i would also forget to mention that this is one of the strenuous ritual performed in order to satisfy my obsessive compulsive disorder)
that and doing "the hustle" when entering a room
3) "my mother killed the only 2 friends i've ever had" edition
the spiders in my shower.
i usually kill spiders because i'm a ruthless cunt.
but i had a special attachment to these ones.
because they've seen me naked (so we can all assume they wanted to die)
and they've heard me sing the sweet melody of really bad renditions of fiona apple songs (ditto)
and most importantly
they sold me the best weed i have ever smoked in my life.
face numbing.
i remember it like it was 10 minutes ago (literally)
i look up. no spiders.
followed by "YOU KILLED MY FRIENDS!!"
to which she responds:
"what friends?"
(she's right)
RIP jermajesty and prince michael the third.
on a lighter note.
my birtday is in.... *takes out calendar*
exactly fitteen (not a typo) days.
"22 anni pirsi" as my grandmother would say
which translates to:
"we found you in a cardboard box on the service road and nobody in the family likes you"
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