my attempt and consequent fail at fashion bloggerdom

Initially i wanted to create a weekly segment
titled
"Rotten Slut in the Mirror"
...
We'll see how lazy i get...

so this is how I look when I go out at night
If you're asking yourself
"What the fuck?"
The answer is
yeah.
I'm low budget like that
and the only full-length mirror in my house
is in the hallway
so suck all of my asses

I've tongue-in-cheekily titled this look:

"Rainbow Brite's cracked-out whore of a sister"

White sheer tank top
(American Apparel)
Cause
Duh
If I wasn't wearing a bra
You could see my tits

Bra
(la senza)
or as i often refer to it as
The "meh" victoria's secret
I liked this color cause it reminded me
Of the type of color
Hulk hogan's wife would wear
Wait for it
On her lips.
(the ones on her face)

Sick mutha fuggin green jeans
(Zara)
Prounounced "sarra"
I don't have much to say about these
Except that:
1) they're sick
And 2) people can see me from long distances
When crossing the street
Hence lessening the chances
That they will hit me with their car

espadrilles
(Christian Louboutin)
You read right
Bitch.
I got these on ebay
Given their perfect weight
and potential gravitational pull
I imagine myself one day
Throwing these across the house
At my child
(God willing)
When he/she pisses me off

success is when...

you're too black
to wear the foundation you were wearing 3 weeks ago.
yes.
you know me.
i dream big.
my goal this summer
is to reach Whoopi Goldberg
blackness.
and what all you future
"rappatas" dont know
is that doing so
entails that you should be using
spf 60.
and by "rappata"
i most definately mean
the late.
the great.
eunice kennedy shriver's face.
because my immediate reaction
when i saw her face
about 3 and a half years ago
on the internet
in a computer room at champlain
was:
"MINGIA!"
so unless you want to look
like your face is
literally melting off your head
forcing self-loathing italians everywhere
to scream out
"MINGIA"
in a semi-packed mac computer-filled room on the south shore...
when they see your sexy face
on justjared.com
SPF 60.

so for some reason
never fails
my esthetician and i
always end up having an hour long coversation
about her 17 year old son.
this means.
i'll be there
with my legs in the air.
in full bikini wax mode
and we're there
talking about:

what he wants to be when he grows up.
what he did during the weekend
what his hobbies are.
how long he can hold his breath under water
how big his hands/feet are
so on and so forth.

he seems like a nice kid.
i want to meet him one day
just so i can say:

"...you remind me of my pubes"

and then just walk away.
and i'm gunna be that person
the iconic figure in his life.
who just walked up to him one day
on the street
no hello.
no nothing.
just

"...you remind me of my pubes"

haunting his dreams from that day forward.

it will surely be
without a shadow of a doubt
the best day
of my
and his life.



first plan of action
find out what he looks like.
if all else fails.
i'll just go around RDP
half naked,
disheveled,
barefoot
(like britney spears at her
"breaking car windows with umbrellas" prime)
screaming "CHRISTOPHER!?!?!"

awwww yeah.

I know nobody gives a shit, but...

I vow
(Totally)
To jog every single sunny day this week
Truth is,
I'm going to MIA
(The city.
Not the "all I wanna do is DSH DSH DSH DSH" recording artist from sri lanka)
I have bikinis to wear
And oil to apply (generously)
And the task at hand
will process a lot easier
If doing so would NOT result
In people gauging the eyeballs
Out of their skull
The consequence of which
really does a number on my self-esteem
The truth is:
I like to run because I hate children
But I love it when they're on bikes
Riding in my direction
Facilitating the necessary (quite)
reaction
Of clothes-lining them in the throat
As I run past them
Using the earbud cord
Attached to my ipod
Fucking Braveheart style
Bitch don't play.

Topic number dos

Tattoos

Here's lookin' at you tribal arm band
So I kinda sorta wanna get a tattoo...
But there is a severely thin line
Between pensive and fucking disgusting
Like someone injected barf into the
Surface of your skin
In the shape of a pretty little butterfly
or flower of sorts
As my friend bianca from champlain
Put it perfectly:

"What the fuck am I gunna do with tinkerbelle on my back when I'm 50"

Golden.

What makes me really laugh?
People that get historical monument tattoos.
I don't know anyone (or do I?)
But what would possess someone,
Or who would have such a strong specific affinity
Towards a building or a statue
To get it tattooed to a random location on their body?
What?
Did your grandfather build it or something?
My grandfather helped build the Olympic Stadium
That doesn't mean (or does it)
I'm gunna go get it tattooed
To the entire side of my torso
Fucking biodome sprawling out onto my stomach
Botanical gardens on my ass
And piece de resistance
Pie X street sign on the outer part
Of my index finger
So when I hold my finger up to my lips
As if to say "shh"
I'll be saying "ghettoooo" instead
Very sexy

Ps. The only tattoo idea I ever considered was stolen
and LAMELY modified
by this fucking loser
that use to
(and probably still does for that matter)
get hard
looking at his own reflection
in the mirror