The Miseducation of Honey Boo Boo

This week my mind
Was taken by the hind legs
And fucked
By a little girl
Named honey boo boo

If you do not know what im talking about
Then i sincerely congratulate you.
For this show,
Is the living example
Of how this world
Is going strait down the shitter.
I seldom watch television
But when i do
This is the programming
i am subjected to...

[This is the part where i list a bunch of things that are wrong with
TLC's Keeping up with Honey Boo Boo.
Im pretty sure that's not what the show is called
But kardashihos
(minus scott..scott's a babe and a half)
got bumped to #2
on my "for shame" list
once i stumbled upon a marathon of this fuckery.]

Exactly 3 episodes later
After picking my jaw up off the floor.
This is what i've compiled:

"Sketti"
1) its pronounced "spaghetti"
You're 7
Why isn't anyone correcting you?
2) butter, ketchup and a growing child go together like jenna jameson, a monastery and care bears.


What's with the subtitles?
Way to de-glamify foreign films.
(The hipsters are pissed.)


When you sneeze, cough, burp, fart:
Cover your mouth
I'm the most disgusting human being
This earth has produced
And even i gagged
Like 5 times

Your 17 year old daughter is pregnant?
Really?
Didn't see that one coming
Its like looper.
But not at all


Let me get this strait.
You're a coupon enthusiast
Who insists on putting your child
in beauty pageants.
That totally makes sense.

Holiday Scripting

This post takes inspiration from those
Jimmy Kimmel segments where he tells parents
to tell their kids they're adopted
while filming it.
In order to put it on youtube
with the hopes of generating
some serious
lols.
(That's what they get for making you watch Ice Age 50 bazillion times.
AM I RIGHT?!)

so instead,
I have created a template.
That parents can print out and send to their children.
a couple of days before christmas?
on christmas?
You can give them this shit in July.
Whatever makes you feel better about yourself.

here it goes:

"Dear Children,

Santa had a heart attack.
This is the direct result of leaving his house only once a year
to ride around in a sleigh
while living on a diet of milk and cookies.
Maybe the circumstances would have been different
had he gifted himself some cardiovascular exercise
and a salad.
The angioplasty is scheduled for the New Year
so Santa is stricken to his bed.
We are currently seeking a therapist
for an emotionally distressed Rudolph.
We ask that you pray that Santa will be able to resume his commitments in 2013
Depending on mommy's financial situation.
Hopefully,
by then,
Holts will file for bankruptcy protection
or mommy will have gone blind so as not to see their wonderful holiday window display
as she passes by every day to and from work.

Until then.
Be good.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Clause"

Yeah. it might be spelled "Claus"
but I don't give a fuck.
and neither should you.
Children don't know how to read sometimes.
win-win situation.