This post takes inspiration from those
Jimmy Kimmel segments where he tells parents
to tell their kids they're adopted
while filming it.
In order to put it on youtube
with the hopes of generating
some serious
lols.
(That's what they get for making you watch Ice Age 50 bazillion times.
AM I RIGHT?!)
so instead,
I have created a template.
That parents can print out and send to their children.
a couple of days before christmas?
on christmas?
You can give them this shit in July.
Whatever makes you feel better about yourself.
here it goes:
"Dear Children,
Santa had a heart attack.
This is the direct result of leaving his house only once a year
to ride around in a sleigh
while living on a diet of milk and cookies.
Maybe the circumstances would have been different
had he gifted himself some cardiovascular exercise
and a salad.
The angioplasty is scheduled for the New Year
so Santa is stricken to his bed.
We are currently seeking a therapist
for an emotionally distressed Rudolph.
We ask that you pray that Santa will be able to resume his commitments in 2013
Depending on mommy's financial situation.
Hopefully,
by then,
Holts will file for bankruptcy protection
or mommy will have gone blind so as not to see their wonderful holiday window display
as she passes by every day to and from work.
Until then.
Be good.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Clause"
Yeah. it might be spelled "Claus"
but I don't give a fuck.
and neither should you.
Children don't know how to read sometimes.
win-win situation.
