things i don't get

starring melissa nudo
richard gere
and bill cosby.
a "jello jigglers" exclusive.

HO.kay

1) people who wear fake glasses.


okay. i don't get to bitch that much cause i brought this upon myself
(by lying in the eye exam...fuck you..i wanted glasses)
and now im blind (quasi)
but the moral of the story is:
wearing glasses sucks.
the mere thought of having to wear glasses for no reason other than having to see a stone toss in front of you makes no sense to me.
you get a tan line there y'know.

think about it.

2) Chuck Norris jokes.

Can someone please explain chuck norris jokes to me?
because so far the only explanation i've gotten from like 16 different people is "its cause he's so awesome"
and you know what, fuck
being on "Walker, texas ranger" does not validate awesomeness in my opinion
so what now?..like
is jane seymour the shit because
she was on "doctor quinn medicine woman"
fuck that what about everyone on touched by an angel
i guess being on cbs is where its at
but only like 15 years after the show is cancelled or something.

3) flying nuns

i fucking love flying nuns.
sally field at her prime.
not only do you preach the word of the lord.
but you fly.
with sick head gear that defies the laws of gravity like a motha fucka.

sign me up for that class!

new rule

starting now.
on a saturday night.
at 1:41 am.

i refuse.
absolutely.
to watch any movie where characters speak a fictional language.
here's looking at you, avatar.
and that movie with the cave men. not encino man.
and passion of the christ.
aramaic my ass...

more like mary magdalanguage.
the language of the slut.
it use to be exclusively reserved for sluts of the biblical genre.
but nowadays. especially on a saturday night at 1:45 am.
mary magdalanguage.
not by me.
because clearly, i've hung up my palestinian whore sash for the evening.
laying in bed with a laptop on my stomach at a 45 degree angle.

i really wish that existed.
and i wish i was in charge of marketing this.
and advertising.
the palestinian whore sash that is...

wow.

see



that's a picture of me waving goodbye to my vagina.
she ran away from me screaming.
ironically she screams in fluent aramaic.

men and balls

WORLD CUP FIESTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
wooooooo.
okay seriously.

italy is out. and im indifferent because i love italy as a county but i loathe italy as a rotten burrow that i live in.
therefore. no wins = no assault with a deadly weapon (massive tridented pitchfork strapped to front bumper of mini SUV) by me.

second.

VUVUZELAAAAAAAAA

a word i have been using at every opportunity for the past 2 weeks whether or not it be in context with the conversation i happen to be having at that present moment.
what an intense word for such a stupid thing.
its a god damn horn.
drunk french butch moms use to "vuvuzela it up" at my brother's pee wee hockey games.
back when it was called a "french mom horn"
and back when vuvuzela's were paired with the words "hostie", smoker's cough, and the graceful stance that is one leg mounted on a wooden bench.
i like taking barenaked ladies songs and replacing key words with YOU GUESSED IT. the word "vuvuzela".
for instance.
instead of "you could be my yoko ono" i say:

"you can be my vuvuzela, you can follow me where ever i goo"

or

IF I HAD A VUVUZELAAAAAAA...i'd be rich-a"

moving along.

i invented my own cat fight scenario.
its pretty much:

cristiano ronaldo

diego forlan


the ultra saucy diego maradona


and fernando torres.


i call them all by their first names.
get some personified recognition up in this bitch.
spain vs portugal was not spain vs portugal
it was fernando vs. cristiano in wedding dresses wrestling in vaseline and rose petals.
i had my money on fernando.
but i also hope cristiano ronaldo falls ass then face first down the spiral staircase in back of a st-michel duplex unit.
hence the bias.
in the end. forlan is number one in my heart
and that's only because my dad is from uruguay.
and uruguayan victory equals crazy uruguayan celebration parties with hot uruguayan guys that i havn't made out with yet.

finally.

i heard paris hilton got narc'd smoking pot at the brazil-netherlands match.
all i have to say about this is:

1) really?
2) you're in south africa
3) you're at a soccer stadium with zillions of people.
4) you're paris hilton

you dumb ass.

on that note.

FIELD TRIP
i'm off to cuba.yes. i know.
i'll be black in a week. literally
just like the little boy i plan on smuggling into the country illegally along with every stray cat and desi arnaz i see.