y'know what time it is?!?!!?!

blog time.
*EXPLOSIONS*
*contemporary dancers in yellow sequined jumpsuits with fringe at the bottom*
*rev jesse jackson backed up by the harlem boys choir*

so did you ever get the feeling like you wanted to kick someone's ass.
im serious.
like the sudden urge to just slide tackle them to the floor?
i would only partake in the previous if and only if:

i were wearing chandelier earrings.
you know the long, heavy ones that just hang.
why, you ask?
that's because when i'm deciding whether or not
i really want to beat the shit out of someone.
the deciding force will be driven by the idea
of being all "shits about to get hood"
where i will proceed in removing the earrings.
gently placing them in the hands of the person next to me.
(saying "hold this")
then i continue to walk forward
and uppercut a bitch.

Once i was on the corner of atwater and st catherine.
and its 8 o'clock in the morning
and i havn't injected my veins with a syringe full of espresso at this point.
however i am holding a coffee.
on my way to work.
at a traffic light, as im waiting for the bonnehomme light to show his sexy self.
a runner run's past me skimming my coffee.
at this point im thinking to myself:
imagine she would have knocked it down?
and i would pause
look at the coffee
look at the runner
and just start running after her.
catch up to her and grab her by the hair.
drag her all the way back to mcdonalds,
get to the cash, throw her to the ground and scream "BUY ME A COFFEE!!!!!!!!"
but then i realized that would be FUUUUUUCKED.

so then i crossed the street and went to work.
at work i told the guy that sits next to me what had just happened and he said:

"wow. your life sucks."

my response?

"it REALLLLLLLLLY does..."

best dream ever.

"oh man i had the most fucked up dream yesterday. vane was crying and she takes my car and drives herself home but then she leaves it there and comes back to my house and i'm like 'where's my car' and she's like 'it's at my house' and i start telling her off and then amanda was there and refused to give me a lift and i snapped and was like 'you ungrateful bitchesssssssssssssss' but i started laughing cause that's the lamest most soap opera-y thing you can say"

"it gets worse. then i'm in this scenario where i'm in a high school and i start howling as if im turning into a werewolf but everyone and the teacher in the class is like 'wtf are you smoking' and then i just stop howling and take a seat. then i woke up."

in case you were wondering. this was a series of text messagios directed towards ma boo, gee-double-L. but i only call her this behind her back.
the moral of the story is:
don't drink alcohol.
change your undies at least once a day.
and this boy.

i swear to you i will dress up like link from zelda.
and i will hunt this fucker down with a cross bow.
i dont care if his abs look like i can use them to wash my delicates.
i'm tired of seeing him shirtless, doing cartwheels on beaches while simultaneously riding a motorcycle.
that's a physical impossibility.
and who fucking wears jeans to the beach?!

i'm pregnant

with sextuplets.
i've chosen out names.
and you can rest assured.
that "mortimer" is one of them.
"miss thang" is another one.


so today i had the great fortune of reading the biography of ted bundy out loud.
to a heaping audience of 2.
bitch was fucked.
so basically i've been working on my psychopath history.
cause there are A LOT.
and i need to outsmart the magnetic force field which i exude that super-sucks in psychopaths.
and sociopaths.
like a turkey baster.
they come in every shape and form all having one thing in common.
the desire to see me lose my fucking mind.

you know its bad when half the people you meet remind you of alex from clockwork.
next thing you know he's cutting the boobs off your orange spandex onesie while he's not singing "singin' in the rain"
my psycho sings the mentos theme song.
then he hums it in the bathtub and then i go in there only to stick a hand grenade (shaped like a giant marble penis) up his ass.
(in case you were wondering. i get out before it goes kablammo)
just like keanu in speed.

am i the only one bothered by the fact that alex cuts a perfectly fine orange spandex onesie?
if i remember correctly, there WAS a zipper on that thing.
zippers are there for a reason.
they're there so that in order to take it off, you don't need to use scissors to do this.

my magnet not only "come hither's" sociopaths.
it also attracts homeless men.
only those who smell like a mixture of piss and colt 45
(boiled at high for 10 mins, decrease heat and let simmer for an hour)
the same ones that don't make any sense when they're screaming at you while waving a banana furiously over their head.

ps. how fucking awesome is the picture of the dog with the syringe in his mouth?

so i created this scenario in my head....

remember lamb chops play along?
remember this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNTxr2NJHa0
now. if you think im fucked and obsessed with lamb chops.
you're absolutely right.
lamb chops is the genuine coming-together of 3 things that i hold close to my heart:
yeta accents, wool and shari lewis' female jewfro (its like a condensed shaun white).
i swear to god.
if barbara streisand were born a lamb and THEN was cast in Yentl.
she would be lambchops.

anyway.

i thought about it the other day.
what if at the end of every episode, when they're singing that song.
shari lewis like. flips her shit.
she cuts off lamb chop's head with an axe.
shoots charlie horse in the eye with a nail gun.
rapes hush puppy?

that would be FUCKED up.
capital FUCKED.

sooooooooo...
(you know its bad when you have to say "sooooooo")

i've been getting into situations where really obese people get annoyed and consequently pissed the fuck off.
i don't know why i always have to be in the same place at the same time.
but it happened quite often recently.

there was this like. i kid you not. 600 pound haitien woman on the metro.
she was wearing curtains. or what use to be the curtains from the sound of music.
she sits down. and eventually gets off at pie IX.
doesn't she bodycheck a tiny asian lady
turns around and gives her this "oh no you did not, child!" look.
i think i was the only one to notice and i was like HO SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
not gunna lie.
i was kinda disappointed that she didnt scream.
"WATCH WHERE IT IS THAT YOU WALK"
while clapping her hands consecutively so as to prove just how forehhhhl she is.

then.

the other day at atwater mcdonalds.
ie. homeless-crack addict-aids volunteer worker centropolis.
there's this woman sitting on the terrasse.
she was (you guessed it). obese.
but she wasnt wearing a bra either.
i wont get into detail.
but lets just say
the melons were resting peacefully on the table in front of her.

NEXT.

i got into an arguement with this woman at work.
i work over the phone but she had one of those voices that you can tell.
like deep breathing
you can taste the oxygen tank sitting next to her lazy-boy recliner, basically.
and i ask her "how come you didn't make your payment?"
and she says "I CANT WALK!*inhale*exhale*I MAILED'EM"
and when i asked why she hadn't contacted her branch to trace the payment she says
"i don' know"
...

what do you mean you don't know?!?!?!
(this was my inside voice)

piece de resistance?

right before she hangs up she screams "GO AWAY!!!"

and now i get to cross that off my to-do list...