so i created this scenario in my head....

remember lamb chops play along?
remember this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNTxr2NJHa0
now. if you think im fucked and obsessed with lamb chops.
you're absolutely right.
lamb chops is the genuine coming-together of 3 things that i hold close to my heart:
yeta accents, wool and shari lewis' female jewfro (its like a condensed shaun white).
i swear to god.
if barbara streisand were born a lamb and THEN was cast in Yentl.
she would be lambchops.

anyway.

i thought about it the other day.
what if at the end of every episode, when they're singing that song.
shari lewis like. flips her shit.
she cuts off lamb chop's head with an axe.
shoots charlie horse in the eye with a nail gun.
rapes hush puppy?

that would be FUCKED up.
capital FUCKED.

sooooooooo...
(you know its bad when you have to say "sooooooo")

i've been getting into situations where really obese people get annoyed and consequently pissed the fuck off.
i don't know why i always have to be in the same place at the same time.
but it happened quite often recently.

there was this like. i kid you not. 600 pound haitien woman on the metro.
she was wearing curtains. or what use to be the curtains from the sound of music.
she sits down. and eventually gets off at pie IX.
doesn't she bodycheck a tiny asian lady
turns around and gives her this "oh no you did not, child!" look.
i think i was the only one to notice and i was like HO SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT.
not gunna lie.
i was kinda disappointed that she didnt scream.
"WATCH WHERE IT IS THAT YOU WALK"
while clapping her hands consecutively so as to prove just how forehhhhl she is.

then.

the other day at atwater mcdonalds.
ie. homeless-crack addict-aids volunteer worker centropolis.
there's this woman sitting on the terrasse.
she was (you guessed it). obese.
but she wasnt wearing a bra either.
i wont get into detail.
but lets just say
the melons were resting peacefully on the table in front of her.

NEXT.

i got into an arguement with this woman at work.
i work over the phone but she had one of those voices that you can tell.
like deep breathing
you can taste the oxygen tank sitting next to her lazy-boy recliner, basically.
and i ask her "how come you didn't make your payment?"
and she says "I CANT WALK!*inhale*exhale*I MAILED'EM"
and when i asked why she hadn't contacted her branch to trace the payment she says
"i don' know"
...

what do you mean you don't know?!?!?!
(this was my inside voice)

piece de resistance?

right before she hangs up she screams "GO AWAY!!!"

and now i get to cross that off my to-do list...