ballSAAQ

So I went to the saaq downtown
And the lady asked me
"What are you doing all the way here"
After replying
"The fuck is it to you?"
I said
"Because I hate st leonard
And I hate henri bourassa"
(Not the politician. cause he's like the number 3
on my list of dead people I'd fuck...
if they were alive)
Welfare is contagious
And I have a weak immune system

The guy that took my picture
Gave me back my stuff and I said
"3 to 5 business days right?"
(A saaq insider for sure)
And he looked at me like I said quebec and the french language can go to hell.
Then we made out
No we didn't
He wishes we did
I wish we did

Don't you wish it were legal to kill people?
(i know i do. at 7:30am on my bus)
Annoying people though
I do it all the time with my eyes
I wish lasers shot out my eyes
Gold sparkly ones
and the song "sandstorm" from darude would come on everytime this happened.
So not only could I commit mass murder at lightning speed.
But I can go to raves and be like the coolest person there.
who needs glowsticks
When your eyes are violent yellow hiliters that blow shit up?
On that note.
Here are a list of weapons I want for my birthday:


a flame thrower (for obvious reasons)
Anyone who knows me well
Knows that my pyromania exceeds every aspect of me.
exceeding my animania, my general mania
and oddly enough
my wrestlemania (consisting of razor ramon and more razor ramon)
Some people spread the love with kisses and their penis
I show it with uncontrollable high-speed flames
Produced from a tiny backpack filled with butane gas strapped to my back.

To each their own I guess

gold plated letter opener
Yes.
How very bourgeois of me indeed
In my eyes,
(The ones that shoot lasers)
nothing is classier
(and screams "cheerio watson!")
like stabbing someone with the same thing
used to open my rejection letter (twice)
from mcgill university.


those pressure gun used to kill bovine
And for those of you who don't own a dictionary
Bovine is how assholes (like myself)
and dairy farmers (i wish)
say "cow"
unfortunately,I don't watch that many movies
But I did watch 2 minutes of "no country for old men"
And in these 2 minutes.
Not only did I realize that I would lick javier bardem from head to toe
Even if he were covered with fire ants and A1.
But how awesome would it be
to rebuttal any argument with a maximum pressurized shot to the middle of the eyes.

future corpse: "I never saw the little mermaid"
Me: *pulls pressure gun out of pants* BOOM! *runs from cops*

Jokes on them
I never saw the little mermaid either.

A STUDY: sleeping pills

I took a sleeping pill LIVE
They're called "zoplicone"
(Feel free to wikipedia that shit)
Apparently they go by the name of "z-drug" on "the street" (or some shit).
Win-win situation
Cos I need money
and i need to sleep to stay alive.
therefore
win and win.
I've got maybe 6 different prescriptions that
I'd be more than willing to sell
To the highest bidder.


If you're asking yourself is she's gonzo right now?
I surely am
I keep writing the wrong things then I have to delete and re-write them.
Its kind of a piss off.
Trying to see how long it takes me to feel completely zonked.
To the point where my phone just falls on my stomach
and I'm staring in front of me like I just saw god.
Then I think
"thank god I didn't buy that ceramic cat at the dollarstore."
That would have been fuuuucked.

What else do I feel like discussing before sleeping (for like 3 hours)
before insomnia walks in the door dressed like "rosario"
karen's maid from will and grace
waking me up gently so she can change my bedsheets


Hand job nails.
If you live in rdp. Laval. St leo
and spread out all over the greater island region of montreal
excluding nuns island (duh nuns don't give hand jobs unless they're flying nuns)
Marguerite Bourgeois my ass.
So back to the point I was trying to make
Hand job nails are those plasticy looking hand nails
everyone get done at the viets.
(By the viets. I mean vietnamese. Not imitating a jewish yeta saying "the vet"
they can also be done by koreans
or if it were my world.
Taking a big bowl and throwing them all in said bowl and mixing them well enough that no one can then know the diff.
Hence shutting down the prejudice that all asians look alike
After having taken them to the eggbeating chambers you can have shaq come out of there looking like dakota's fanny.
(editor's note: HAHAHAHA!!!)

So back to handjob nails.
They usually have a french manicure or like some really tacky airbrush pattern
that honestly doesn't look good on anyone unless they're sitting in your grandmother's upstairs kitchen talking bad about the next door neighbors.
Plus they look like porn star nails (so I've been told)
hence.
Handjob nails.
I'll give you an example of how to approach someone with handjob nails:

Me: nice handjob nails
Them: what?
Me: *walks away*

Simple as 123

Final disclaimer. I will definately only read this tomorrow so I can laugh and aside from minor technical error minus the ones that turned out randomly hilarious I will post this text as is and send it to the canadian psychiatric association with a giant letter heading stating:

"This is why you don't give perscription sleeping pills to a 22 year old"

And do something about the metal taste fuck.

Now excuse me while I go drive my car from the real deep to laval
with 10 lb weights in both hands
while someone throws flash cards in my face to test my short division skills.
Cause everyone knows that...
why the dick doesn't bbm have a "pie" symbol?

pie equals 3.14 which is one of the only things I remember from highschool math.
That and pythagoras' theorem
but that's just because I fucked pythagoras

The end!

another long and pointless one

SUP GUYCE?!?!?!



I'm starting a new thing
so when someone pisses you off you say:

"Go suck a grasshopper's ass"

Imagine sucking a grasshopper's ass?
That's fucking disgusting
Like you'd have to spread the legs.
And do grasshoppers even have an ass?
I'd imagine it'd be a lot like sucking victoria beckham's ass
Like sucking on an empty juice box
But she's pregnant now
So...
Kinder surprise!!
(yes. totally uncalled for but tough fucking titties)



I'm at the clinic LIVE
Aka my home away from home
And obv I have to be seated next to
The token "gremlin creature" of the hospice.
You know its gunna be good
When said gremlin is about 500 lbs
With a mustachio
And SHE starts violently choking on her coffee
Screaming "esti q'c'est chaud"
No shit.
She's currently pulling a sweat while she reads
What seemingly is an erotic noveletta.
It might be twilight though.
Ill get back to you on that one.
You have to see the man next to me
He's pulling the exact "fuck my world up the ass" face as I am
I bet you he's thinking the same thing as I am too

"Why is there a tv. And why isn't "the view" on?"

So I just turned to him and said
"Its not 11 yet"


Allergic reaction to dancing cats?
I'm sure this is the question everyone has been asking themselves these days
My brother is allergic to kitty kats
(That and he's also allergic to NOT being annoying)
Hahahahahhahahahahahhahhahahhaa.
So the other day he had an allergic reaction to som som
And everyone was perplexed as to what caused this.
So this is the part where where I come in (obv)
With my brilliant theory (ditto)
That he (my brother) had been cornered in a dark alley
By a litter of
you guessed it,
professional ballet jazz dancing cats.
Then I continued to hum the song from the opening scene of west side story
With my claws out (like a cat).
After that is a blur since I was laughing for a good 5 minutes or so.
At my own joke?
Yes.
all by myself?
You know it.