A lesson in the feminine art, etiquette and mystique.

hi
my name is(wika wika- slim shady)
Melissa Nudo
And I am a tease
Guilty as charged.
I like to think that it is
a woman's birth right
To use their looks,
Charm,
And personality
(And YES you DEF need one of those too)
AKA. Wits and Tits
To their advantage
To a certain extent.
If there is a god,
He wouldn't want us all to be whores
Cause let's face it
There aren't that many stones
(or maybe there are, however, for arguement sake)
On earth
to take down an army of hos
(Biblical or otherwise)

I would flirt with pail of soggy garbage
If this pail of soggy garbage
could somehow get a boner.
Then I strategically exit the conversation
By saying something along the lines of:
"Anyway"
As I turn my back,
Move 2 inches away
And laugh
Like the witch that I am.
(Sabrina the teenage witch with a side order of Topanga)

Its not that I don't like men.
I do
A lot.
Its just that I want men to WANT me
Not "want" me.
There's a difference between "want"
And WANT.
Some girls accept "want".
"want" is when a guy
Couldn't care less
If you had a vagina
Or if you were a cactus plant.
WANT is WANT
A loss of control
When a man's inhibitions are thrown out the window
(of his honda civic or volkswagon usually)
I want a man to WANT me.
I want them to lose control
I want to be in control.
I am in control.

But usually
Like
95% of the time
They will never have me.
The other 5% are the babes.
The ones i like to refer to as
The "Bah! When in rome..." Cases.

Inevitably
or more specifically,
95% of the time.
conversations ends
Abruptly like so:

"Anyway!"
turning my back
Moving 2 inches away...
And laugh.

I like to think that when this occurs,
Said man turns around screaming
"NOOOO!!!!"
Followed by him cutting his dick off
with an axe.
However one could only wish...
For it is supposedly a man's
Birth right
To stick said dick in anything
With or without a pulse.
So in reality
The immediate reaction
Would be "NEXT"

Unless they have low self-esteem
In this case
They're crying themselves to sleep
Masturbating in front of a full length mirror
Screaming "I'M PATHETICCC!!!"
And
"MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME!!!"
and
"I'M SOILING MYSELF, IM SITTING IN A PUDDLE OF MY OWN URINE
AND I DON'T EVEN CAREEEEE!!!!!!!!"

Then again
I have a most enviable imagination
And if the world worked
Like I imagine it
We'd all be having our asses
Eaten out
By michael jackson and hitler zombies
(Self explanatory)

momz

If I ever have a daughter
As per previous post
"God willing"
My words of wisdom would be
"If you're gunna be a whore
Make sure he wraps that shit up"
Cause the only thing worse
Than being a whore
Is having a baby
Who's born with herpes in their eyes
("Baby, you were born this way"
Does not apply under said circumstances)

And for the love of god
Don't flaunt it.
The best whore
Is the whore
That no one thinks is a whore
The idea is to be the best whore you can be
And the element of surprise is key
Then you tell them:
"My last name is 'Nudo'"
Fyi-
The reaction to those 5 words
Is usually
"Ohhh shiiiiittt, are you serious?"
Damn right, oh shit.

But I'm not a whore

If I did have kids,
Once again,
"God willing"
I wouldn't want to be one of them
Rotten WOP moms on my bus
the ones with no sense of style
who scream talk about their lives
Like whatever happens is the most
Intense fucking thing you can experience
On this entire earth.
Like their son's confirmation
Would have the equivalent validity in life
As an announcement
Announcing a cure for AIDS.
Stop the fucking presses!!!
My kid lost his first tooth.
Imagine if you gave these broads some MDMA.
and put on some Michael Buble.

And they all name their kids the same fucking thing:

Isabella
Luca
Gianluca
Emma
Stephanie
Vanessa
Melissa (!!!!)
Michael
Anthony
SNOREEEE

Cause their lives would be a complete waste
Without the safety of knowing
That 58 other kids will raise up their hands
In a classroom
When a teacher calls out their name.


Best baby name ever?
AUDIO SCIENCE
I love you shannyn sossamon.
And even better than that?
PILOT INSPEKTOR
That's right
Inspector
With a fucking "k"
BOOM!
Ill bet my life savings
That kid came out of the womb
Wearing a monacle
Screaming
"MMMMYIESSSS?!?!?!"

my attempt and consequent fail at fashion bloggerdom

Initially i wanted to create a weekly segment
titled
"Rotten Slut in the Mirror"
...
We'll see how lazy i get...

so this is how I look when I go out at night
If you're asking yourself
"What the fuck?"
The answer is
yeah.
I'm low budget like that
and the only full-length mirror in my house
is in the hallway
so suck all of my asses

I've tongue-in-cheekily titled this look:

"Rainbow Brite's cracked-out whore of a sister"

White sheer tank top
(American Apparel)
Cause
Duh
If I wasn't wearing a bra
You could see my tits

Bra
(la senza)
or as i often refer to it as
The "meh" victoria's secret
I liked this color cause it reminded me
Of the type of color
Hulk hogan's wife would wear
Wait for it
On her lips.
(the ones on her face)

Sick mutha fuggin green jeans
(Zara)
Prounounced "sarra"
I don't have much to say about these
Except that:
1) they're sick
And 2) people can see me from long distances
When crossing the street
Hence lessening the chances
That they will hit me with their car

espadrilles
(Christian Louboutin)
You read right
Bitch.
I got these on ebay
Given their perfect weight
and potential gravitational pull
I imagine myself one day
Throwing these across the house
At my child
(God willing)
When he/she pisses me off

success is when...

you're too black
to wear the foundation you were wearing 3 weeks ago.
yes.
you know me.
i dream big.
my goal this summer
is to reach Whoopi Goldberg
blackness.
and what all you future
"rappatas" dont know
is that doing so
entails that you should be using
spf 60.
and by "rappata"
i most definately mean
the late.
the great.
eunice kennedy shriver's face.
because my immediate reaction
when i saw her face
about 3 and a half years ago
on the internet
in a computer room at champlain
was:
"MINGIA!"
so unless you want to look
like your face is
literally melting off your head
forcing self-loathing italians everywhere
to scream out
"MINGIA"
in a semi-packed mac computer-filled room on the south shore...
when they see your sexy face
on justjared.com
SPF 60.

so for some reason
never fails
my esthetician and i
always end up having an hour long coversation
about her 17 year old son.
this means.
i'll be there
with my legs in the air.
in full bikini wax mode
and we're there
talking about:

what he wants to be when he grows up.
what he did during the weekend
what his hobbies are.
how long he can hold his breath under water
how big his hands/feet are
so on and so forth.

he seems like a nice kid.
i want to meet him one day
just so i can say:

"...you remind me of my pubes"

and then just walk away.
and i'm gunna be that person
the iconic figure in his life.
who just walked up to him one day
on the street
no hello.
no nothing.
just

"...you remind me of my pubes"

haunting his dreams from that day forward.

it will surely be
without a shadow of a doubt
the best day
of my
and his life.



first plan of action
find out what he looks like.
if all else fails.
i'll just go around RDP
half naked,
disheveled,
barefoot
(like britney spears at her
"breaking car windows with umbrellas" prime)
screaming "CHRISTOPHER!?!?!"

awwww yeah.

I know nobody gives a shit, but...

I vow
(Totally)
To jog every single sunny day this week
Truth is,
I'm going to MIA
(The city.
Not the "all I wanna do is DSH DSH DSH DSH" recording artist from sri lanka)
I have bikinis to wear
And oil to apply (generously)
And the task at hand
will process a lot easier
If doing so would NOT result
In people gauging the eyeballs
Out of their skull
The consequence of which
really does a number on my self-esteem
The truth is:
I like to run because I hate children
But I love it when they're on bikes
Riding in my direction
Facilitating the necessary (quite)
reaction
Of clothes-lining them in the throat
As I run past them
Using the earbud cord
Attached to my ipod
Fucking Braveheart style
Bitch don't play.

Topic number dos

Tattoos

Here's lookin' at you tribal arm band
So I kinda sorta wanna get a tattoo...
But there is a severely thin line
Between pensive and fucking disgusting
Like someone injected barf into the
Surface of your skin
In the shape of a pretty little butterfly
or flower of sorts
As my friend bianca from champlain
Put it perfectly:

"What the fuck am I gunna do with tinkerbelle on my back when I'm 50"

Golden.

What makes me really laugh?
People that get historical monument tattoos.
I don't know anyone (or do I?)
But what would possess someone,
Or who would have such a strong specific affinity
Towards a building or a statue
To get it tattooed to a random location on their body?
What?
Did your grandfather build it or something?
My grandfather helped build the Olympic Stadium
That doesn't mean (or does it)
I'm gunna go get it tattooed
To the entire side of my torso
Fucking biodome sprawling out onto my stomach
Botanical gardens on my ass
And piece de resistance
Pie X street sign on the outer part
Of my index finger
So when I hold my finger up to my lips
As if to say "shh"
I'll be saying "ghettoooo" instead
Very sexy

Ps. The only tattoo idea I ever considered was stolen
and LAMELY modified
by this fucking loser
that use to
(and probably still does for that matter)
get hard
looking at his own reflection
in the mirror

transferred

for all of you skeptics out there
this post will focus on what you hear
when you're on the phone
after after you hear:
"please hold. while i transfer. your call"


Holocaust music
Cause nothing says "good morning sunshine"
And "thank you for banking with rbc"
Like having to listen to the soundtrack
To Schindler's list
For 10 minutes strait
While having to wait
For the next appropriate agent
Who probably has no idea what they are doing
Or what you are talking about.
The monumental
yet haunting violin and somber pianonic melody.
Not to be confused with the incestuous celebration of sound
that is
"the fiddle".
Along with ridding myself of the task at hand (my fave)
i like to take this time
to imagine myself on top of an auschwitzial mountain
In black and white
Amount a black stallion
Staring down at the auscwitziness
In liam neeson disguise.
True to Schindler's list soundtrack form,
one would pray for track 4.
Which just so happens to be my "track du jour"
To be playing
the day
I hang myself from the ceiling of my room



Charlie brown music
I love charlie brown
I am the live action charlie brown
Except I have long hair
am of the female gender
And I would never wear a yellow tshirt
With brown shoes

Now there's 2 types of charlie brown musics:

1) The type where pigpen be actin' the foo
doing that dance they all do
where it looks like they're seizing on their feet
as dust be boucin' up all around that bitch
And by "that bitch"
I mean Lucy's slutty ass and her kleptomaniacal
Slut hands of football snatching proportions.

And

2) the song that plays when charlie brown gets fucked over YET AGAIN.
or more popularly known as
the song that plays on arrested development when george michael breaks up with anne.
also known as
The theme song to my life
Not to be mistaken for the other theme song to my life
which is
anything by the Wu Tang Clan


Taylor swift or equivalent vomit inducing music
This is the part where I put my headset volume to 1 so as to not torment my ears with the equally vomit inducing sound of
"I'm 16 and my life is the WOOOOOOORRRST"
that. or
Something that sounds like its being sung
By those fucking assholes from Glee
I don't care what anyone says
That show can eat shit.
you see,
People with permanent "bitchface"
With the word "fuck you"
Written across their forehead
or "me" in short.
Are not legally permitted to watch Glee.
More importantly,
If I wanted to watch 30 minutes of non-stop
canned cheese,
Ill watch an hour and 40 minutes
Of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Thank you very much

ballSAAQ

So I went to the saaq downtown
And the lady asked me
"What are you doing all the way here"
After replying
"The fuck is it to you?"
I said
"Because I hate st leonard
And I hate henri bourassa"
(Not the politician. cause he's like the number 3
on my list of dead people I'd fuck...
if they were alive)
Welfare is contagious
And I have a weak immune system

The guy that took my picture
Gave me back my stuff and I said
"3 to 5 business days right?"
(A saaq insider for sure)
And he looked at me like I said quebec and the french language can go to hell.
Then we made out
No we didn't
He wishes we did
I wish we did

Don't you wish it were legal to kill people?
(i know i do. at 7:30am on my bus)
Annoying people though
I do it all the time with my eyes
I wish lasers shot out my eyes
Gold sparkly ones
and the song "sandstorm" from darude would come on everytime this happened.
So not only could I commit mass murder at lightning speed.
But I can go to raves and be like the coolest person there.
who needs glowsticks
When your eyes are violent yellow hiliters that blow shit up?
On that note.
Here are a list of weapons I want for my birthday:


a flame thrower (for obvious reasons)
Anyone who knows me well
Knows that my pyromania exceeds every aspect of me.
exceeding my animania, my general mania
and oddly enough
my wrestlemania (consisting of razor ramon and more razor ramon)
Some people spread the love with kisses and their penis
I show it with uncontrollable high-speed flames
Produced from a tiny backpack filled with butane gas strapped to my back.

To each their own I guess

gold plated letter opener
Yes.
How very bourgeois of me indeed
In my eyes,
(The ones that shoot lasers)
nothing is classier
(and screams "cheerio watson!")
like stabbing someone with the same thing
used to open my rejection letter (twice)
from mcgill university.


those pressure gun used to kill bovine
And for those of you who don't own a dictionary
Bovine is how assholes (like myself)
and dairy farmers (i wish)
say "cow"
unfortunately,I don't watch that many movies
But I did watch 2 minutes of "no country for old men"
And in these 2 minutes.
Not only did I realize that I would lick javier bardem from head to toe
Even if he were covered with fire ants and A1.
But how awesome would it be
to rebuttal any argument with a maximum pressurized shot to the middle of the eyes.

future corpse: "I never saw the little mermaid"
Me: *pulls pressure gun out of pants* BOOM! *runs from cops*

Jokes on them
I never saw the little mermaid either.

A STUDY: sleeping pills

I took a sleeping pill LIVE
They're called "zoplicone"
(Feel free to wikipedia that shit)
Apparently they go by the name of "z-drug" on "the street" (or some shit).
Win-win situation
Cos I need money
and i need to sleep to stay alive.
therefore
win and win.
I've got maybe 6 different prescriptions that
I'd be more than willing to sell
To the highest bidder.


If you're asking yourself is she's gonzo right now?
I surely am
I keep writing the wrong things then I have to delete and re-write them.
Its kind of a piss off.
Trying to see how long it takes me to feel completely zonked.
To the point where my phone just falls on my stomach
and I'm staring in front of me like I just saw god.
Then I think
"thank god I didn't buy that ceramic cat at the dollarstore."
That would have been fuuuucked.

What else do I feel like discussing before sleeping (for like 3 hours)
before insomnia walks in the door dressed like "rosario"
karen's maid from will and grace
waking me up gently so she can change my bedsheets


Hand job nails.
If you live in rdp. Laval. St leo
and spread out all over the greater island region of montreal
excluding nuns island (duh nuns don't give hand jobs unless they're flying nuns)
Marguerite Bourgeois my ass.
So back to the point I was trying to make
Hand job nails are those plasticy looking hand nails
everyone get done at the viets.
(By the viets. I mean vietnamese. Not imitating a jewish yeta saying "the vet"
they can also be done by koreans
or if it were my world.
Taking a big bowl and throwing them all in said bowl and mixing them well enough that no one can then know the diff.
Hence shutting down the prejudice that all asians look alike
After having taken them to the eggbeating chambers you can have shaq come out of there looking like dakota's fanny.
(editor's note: HAHAHAHA!!!)

So back to handjob nails.
They usually have a french manicure or like some really tacky airbrush pattern
that honestly doesn't look good on anyone unless they're sitting in your grandmother's upstairs kitchen talking bad about the next door neighbors.
Plus they look like porn star nails (so I've been told)
hence.
Handjob nails.
I'll give you an example of how to approach someone with handjob nails:

Me: nice handjob nails
Them: what?
Me: *walks away*

Simple as 123

Final disclaimer. I will definately only read this tomorrow so I can laugh and aside from minor technical error minus the ones that turned out randomly hilarious I will post this text as is and send it to the canadian psychiatric association with a giant letter heading stating:

"This is why you don't give perscription sleeping pills to a 22 year old"

And do something about the metal taste fuck.

Now excuse me while I go drive my car from the real deep to laval
with 10 lb weights in both hands
while someone throws flash cards in my face to test my short division skills.
Cause everyone knows that...
why the dick doesn't bbm have a "pie" symbol?

pie equals 3.14 which is one of the only things I remember from highschool math.
That and pythagoras' theorem
but that's just because I fucked pythagoras

The end!

another long and pointless one

SUP GUYCE?!?!?!



I'm starting a new thing
so when someone pisses you off you say:

"Go suck a grasshopper's ass"

Imagine sucking a grasshopper's ass?
That's fucking disgusting
Like you'd have to spread the legs.
And do grasshoppers even have an ass?
I'd imagine it'd be a lot like sucking victoria beckham's ass
Like sucking on an empty juice box
But she's pregnant now
So...
Kinder surprise!!
(yes. totally uncalled for but tough fucking titties)



I'm at the clinic LIVE
Aka my home away from home
And obv I have to be seated next to
The token "gremlin creature" of the hospice.
You know its gunna be good
When said gremlin is about 500 lbs
With a mustachio
And SHE starts violently choking on her coffee
Screaming "esti q'c'est chaud"
No shit.
She's currently pulling a sweat while she reads
What seemingly is an erotic noveletta.
It might be twilight though.
Ill get back to you on that one.
You have to see the man next to me
He's pulling the exact "fuck my world up the ass" face as I am
I bet you he's thinking the same thing as I am too

"Why is there a tv. And why isn't "the view" on?"

So I just turned to him and said
"Its not 11 yet"


Allergic reaction to dancing cats?
I'm sure this is the question everyone has been asking themselves these days
My brother is allergic to kitty kats
(That and he's also allergic to NOT being annoying)
Hahahahahhahahahahahhahhahahhaa.
So the other day he had an allergic reaction to som som
And everyone was perplexed as to what caused this.
So this is the part where where I come in (obv)
With my brilliant theory (ditto)
That he (my brother) had been cornered in a dark alley
By a litter of
you guessed it,
professional ballet jazz dancing cats.
Then I continued to hum the song from the opening scene of west side story
With my claws out (like a cat).
After that is a blur since I was laughing for a good 5 minutes or so.
At my own joke?
Yes.
all by myself?
You know it.

selena gomez is a pedofile

imagine someone actually sees this post and calls the cops?

"Selena gomez is banging a 16 year old child"

it's the biebs
the patron saint of "lesbian haircut"
bah
i'd hit that
if he were like
25.

and his last name was Timberlake.


If Cinderella were invented in 2011.
i'd be cinderfella.
and i'd be pregnant,
16
and my prince charming would have just left me for a sluttier french girl.
ie. the story of my life
he'd also masturbate to world of warcraft.
i'd LITERALLY have to light my tits on fire to get his attention

so to recap:

i'm pregnant.
16.
and there's a charred inverted hole
where my tits use to be.
On a movie screen.
wait for it...
in 3-D.

Speaking of tits...
(whatchu sayyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)


Has anyone else noticed how trucks are like
the big tits of the highway?
they're big
all you notice
fun to touch?
I'd imagine you wouldn't want to have your head lodged between them.
nor would you want it ramming you into a sidewall on the service road
during 8am rush hour...
not cool.
AT all.

beeteedubbbbbbbza

i'm starting a facebook group called
"i miss the old pope"


Join!

saturday afternoon pensieris.

1)how to get rid of that secret admirer:

talk about your bowel movements in detail.
at any given chance.
why?
because i like to shut down the popular belief
that woman do not shit.
we do.
a lot.
it's awesome.
when i poop
i tell people i'm taking a crippity crap.
and then i continue to crip walk from my kitchen to the bathroom
all the while my father shakes his head in disbelief.
the disbelief that he is 1/2 of the reason for my existance.
ITS ON!


2) funerals

why?
i have no explanation for this.
i'm asking why?
funerals.
are fucking disgusting.
i don't want anyone to see my dead body.
nonetheless covered in the worst quality foundation one can find.
i recently went to a funeral home where my mother touched the corpulence
or her uncle as one would often refer to him before he became "the corpulence".
i immediately chopped off her arm from elbow to fingertip.
with a guillotine.
a miniature one.
fyi. i bought this on guillotine.com/miniature.
caused a bit of a scene.
but it was a necessity.
....
in reality i turned to her and whispered,
"never touch me with that hand ever again"
then i did the sign of the cross
and continued to condoleanzer the family in mourning.


3) girls who wear sandals with no nylons with mini dresses in the winter.

dear girls from outside the province of Quebec who go to Mcgill:
enjoy the urinary tract infection.
and the yeast infection according to my mother.
because when its -30 outside.
everyone knows that the only way to properly warm up your toes
is to stick them into your vagina.
but seriously.
i have nothing more to say because i like being warm
and not showing my pasty ass white legs in the dead of winter.
and 95% of the time they're wearing like the UGLIEST shoes.
if they were nice. i'd be like. okaie. avec raison.
but NOT EVEN.
its all about panty hose and booties, kids.
because being sick sucks.
and everyone knows
you can still be a first class slut while wearing jeans.
trust me
i promise you.
it's possible.

ugly faces

if one were to conduct a devious plot which consisted of inventing scam charity.
wherein 100% of proceeds would go towards funding the car being used by the human life-form demonstrated in exhibit A,B,C and D.
but masked in the form of brothers and sister's club "please adopt me, brother" advertisement...

which photo would one choose to promote said scam charity?

rdpanguage.

i don't know about you...
but nothing makes me feel more feminine.
than catching random men staring down my low cut cardigan.
i write the amount of eyeballs in my diary right before i cry myself to sleep.
i don't know what possessed me to not wear a tank-top.
maybe the fact that i cannot function before 2 o'clock in the afternoon.
(baby needs her fourteen hours of undisturbed beauty rest)
hence. oversight?
or the fact that my drawers look like charlie sheen had a coke-induced sexfest in them.
in return making it impossible to find anything.
except used condoms and rolled up 20 dolla billz.
and the little kid from 2 and a half men
(knowatimsayin'?!?!?!?!!?!?!)

anyway the point of this entry is to show everyone in the world
or 12 followers.
five of whom are the same person twice (spanks guys!)
the bordello of a town i live in.
(NEVER to be mistaken with the funtimes moulin rouge genre bordello)

the town of: riviere des prairies
(aka. rdp. aka the "real deep pussy" -copyright the ginge-)

never have i had the opportunity to run errands on a friday afternoon
without almost ramming into the car in front of me while i'm driving
(or "doin' mah thang" as i often put it...)
who puts their left flicker on
a mere moment before he/she slams on the breaks.

once in the maxi parking lot i was straitening out renee zelweggger.
(if you were wondering: yes i call my mother's car "renee zelwegger")
i check my surroundings and as im backing up
this betch in a murano flies past me
like a car wound up and thrown onto slip n' slide.
coated entirely in a thick sheath of petroleum jelly.

a demonstration of the cesspool that is rdp driving skillz in

3
2
1


*clears froat*
this was in the parking lot of blockbuster.
i DIED when i saw this and i just HAD to capture it.
not only did he park at 45 degree angle
but he also parked in a handicapped parking space.
the parking lot was empty too.

here's another view:

ps. this car belongs to yours truly.
(if you were wondering, i refer to myself as "he" almost all of the time)






this is the best.
this is the aftermath
of a city bus.
crashing into someone's front yard.
the fucking 43 man.
what i would have given to be a passenger on that bus.
if i were given a bus
and were told to ride said bus.
i would do the EXACT same thing.

then blame it on "the voices"
as the old saying goes:

"you can always catapolt a city bus into a fence.
just tell people you're marlena evans from days of our lives"
(FUCK yes. 3rd reference in the entire history of this blizzy-og!)

">
*jump to 0:56!!!!!!*

"poor marlena. girlfriend, you are a mess!"

HA! Classic!