my own personal hell. take 2.

CUBA.

the communism, the travelocity discount.
the hilarious hotel staff.
the dolls that look like aretha frankin performing at a televised charity benefit.
dirty toronto people named Yanni. yes. THAT yanni.
no wait. i didnt actually meet yanni the pianist.
i met a "dirty toronto people" named yanni (MUCH less inspiring).
oh! and john tesh.
anyway.

all i remember from that trip was:

pineapple express in spanish.
that trippy cartoon.
vane on the bowl doing "the editorial pose"
the "shut up guy".

it was literally hell.
it was so fucking HAT (not "hot"...it was "HAT" cause it was so hot that you would pronounce it "HAT"...kinda like a pimp would say it.)
even the hilarious hotel staff (or the HHS as the cool kids call it) were saying that july is the worst possible time to be there because it feels as if you're being boiled alive.
i remember thinking to myself:

"if you dont move your ass and get some fucking water in your body you're going to have a heart attack...you are going to go into cardiac arrest and you are going to fucking die. you are going to be dead.
95% naked (approximately).
face-first in the beach chair.
and when they turn you over your face is going to have towel marks on it."

THAT bad.
quite possibly the #1 answer in the "thoughts you shouldn't be having while on vacation" category on family feud....

we also got to experience one of the plagues from the bible.
mosquitos URRRRRRRRRRRRvrehwurrrr.
call PETA.
because that shit.
was my own personal "annihilation of the mosquito population of cuba" mission.
i would have doused myself in bug repellant and lit myself on fire if it meant keeping the mosquitos away from me.

then the food.
holy
fucking
shit.
you know what. cuba is EXCELLENT if you want to fit into your wedding dress.
its like. go there. and expect to get off the plane on the way back and your parents tell you you look as if you just got back from guantanamo bay or the island from lost.
because for 7 days strait:

white rice.
bread.
(i swear to god).

it was good. i came back looking like the black ally mcbeal.
(which just so happens to be my ultimate goal in life)
or posh spice but no...because
did anyone ever realize posh spice looks a lot like this:



well not exactly..but lets imagine if she were to be animated at any point in her illustrious career of sucking her cheeks in.
like. a movie about animals. specifically bugs.
she would probably be the praying mantis.
praying mantis....posh....coiincidence?
le non.

but i doubt they would make a character that is an insect recognized notoriously for ripping off and eating its male counterpart's head after mating.
sucks to be you, posherella.