suppose i were to lose a bet.

of course, i never lose anything because i am god and god doesn't lose(except losing my keys. ALL THE TIME).
but lets say. hypothetically speaking.
if this bet consisted of NHL hockey statistics or my skills as an equestrian for instance.

This idea came to mind while i was on the metro.
ideas for the perfect humiliation or punishment someone could impose on my very nature if the impossible WERE to happen.

1) one can perhaps force me to get my eyebrow pierced.
if you know me. you know how i refuse to let anyone touch my face. let alone touching it with their needle hands (you heard me, edward needlehands!)
There is nothing more deliciously quebecois than an eyebrow piercing.
that. a pack of macdonald cigarettes, a case of boreal beer and TVA.
also that bitch from RDS with the rotten hair who covers habs games.

2) Force me to walk around one entire day with an ankle bracelet.

i would rather donate sperm every day for 3 months strait as opposed to wearing an ankle bracelet EVER.
because once again. there is nothing more deliciously quebecois than wearing an ankle bracelet.
anecdote time!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
okay. seriously.
i once had the opportunity of a lifetime to witness the most enchanting specimen of female god ever created with his own hands...or his feet..god created this one with his feet. she was that good.
she had:
-platinum blond hair.
-self tanner.
-white crocheted top (SHEER).
-denim shorty shorts.
-make-up applied with spatula perhaps. in earthy tones. and by earthy tones i mean blue eyeshadow like the sky. and pink lipstick like tubed yogurt explosion all over patio set. EARTHY.
to top it all off her ankle was embellished by the finest piece of ankle bracelet any jeweler at the dollar store could ever make.
god made this woman and then he had to stop himself in his tracks to scream "DAIIIIMMMMMM!!!!!" then he went on conge-maladie because creating this bitch was so intense he had a mini-burn out where they discovered he had borderline personality disorder.
he has since been seeing a therapist once a week.

3) make me watch the movie "my girl" over and over for 3 days strait.

if you ever dreamed of seeing me in an emotionally numbed state. this would be your your once in a lifetime opportunity.
That movie contains everything that haunts me in life:

- death
- dead bodies
- dead mccauley culkin (as quite possibly the most adorable thing you have seen in the history of your life.)
- dan aykroyd's face.

this movie is so fucking sad. i cannot stress how sad it is. and how much i BLUBBER when i watch this movie. it's not so much crying as it is the act of having a REALLY ugly facial expression with tears pouring out my eyes and nose. human beings over the age of 9 should not be allowed to cry this much in one sitting. poor guy. all he wants to do is impress "my girl" with his bad ass mood ring retrieving skills. he doesn't know he's allergic to bees...

and this is why i vow to kill every bee on earth.
a vow to avenge the death of mccauley culkin.

then i saw party monster and i was like "HE'S ALIVE!!!" (but he looks like a corpse)

yeah...
so if you know anyone who has the sudden urge to kill copious amounts of bees.
my bee killing stuff is on craig's list.