chauffeur

95% of my life so far
has been spent on the city bus.
I was born on the 44 (near the bad parts)
then my mom found me in front of a couche tard.

I fucking hate the bus.
i hate public transportation.
i hate sitting next to ugly people i don't know.
i hate having to listen to that alicia keys song full blast
(its like OKAY its not THAT good. MUST you be listening to it at MAX VOL?)

it reminds me of that time i was sandwiched between this little body odor smelling girl and this other girl that smelled literally like vomit.
and she kept coughing. and with every cough.
BARF.
and the kid was reading a Twilight magazine.
and i wanted to tell my friend about this in a text. but barfzilla would have for sure seen.
i think i went home and immediately wrote the entire description above on my friend vanessa's facebook thing,

so dear vanessa. if you are reading this..send me the actual post. and i will post it hurr for all to see with a giant "I TOLD YOU I WAS FURREEEEEEHHHLLL" directly under it in old english font size 26.

so believe it or not.
this post is supposed to be about bus drivers but i totally got sidetracked by i don't even know what anymore.

soooooooooooooo

you've either got a manly man burly ass bus driver..
you know what i'm talking about...handle bar mustache, FOR SURE likes motorcyles and cigarettes and burning crosses in a white hooded gown.

then there's the middle aged sporty looking bus driver. he's wearing those sunglasses designed for people who ride bikes in spandex onesies. and they're a lot better looking than bachelor numero uno. and they always smile and say "bonne journee" after you get off (the bus)
this guy is the exclusive brand of bus driver that will stop for someone who is running like a lunatic on the side of the road or more specifically,
myself running (FAIL)
with an unnecessarily heavy purse.
most probably being strangled by the scarf
that is wrapped around my leg and my neck at this point.

every once in a blue moon.
you get that hot female bus driver and all i have to say about that is
why?

then FINALLY (yes. almost. but not quite..still a bit more)
there is this form of sexual chocolate.
you all know it and have experienced it most likely.
the biggest, saggiest, meaneast fucking cunt you have ever had to deal with in your life.
and they usually look something along to lines of Exhibit A:


bless her soul

now imagine the aboved image with a blue-collared shirt and navy slacks
these minions are captured at birth.
and are trained and fed "bitch" every single day until,
finally
the time comes where they are to ultimately be placed.
in a metro station.
asking you for you student card.
as if not having that on you readily has caused their entire life to turn completely upside down and then finger-bang their life partner.

my earliest (and fondest) memories consist of Radisson metro station
THAT behind fiber glass casing
and my mother calling her something along the lines of "go shit, you fucking cow"
in french.

good times.