phoque

today
on the bus
i would have given up my first-born child to an under-the-bridge dwelling troll.
if that would have made a toilet appear out of thin air.
in the middle of the 194.
so that i could pee in.
man i had to pee so bad i wanted to cry.
and i couldn't move because being the genius that i am
(the genius from good will hunting).
i choose to sit next to kareem abdul-jabbar, shaq and some other tall motherfucker.
giving me 0 leg space on either side so i was forced to sit on a slant.
kinda decrepit looking, staring out the window in agony thinking:
"i hope no one hears what im listening to..."
NWA's strait outta compton.

anyway.

then i got off and thought to myself
"i would give up my first born child to a troll living under a bridge if in return i could pee."
then i got home.
then i had to kill rumplestiltkin.
bitch actually thought i was being serious about the whole first-born thing.
he knew i was serious when i cross bow'd him.
in the FUCKING chest.
BOME!!!!!

so summer is on its way into my life.
and my legs are coming out (wide open)
and with the hot, and humid weather *insert picture of me with upper lip sweat screaming "I SWEAR TO GOD..")
comes. MANDLES.

yes, mandles. or man sandles.
okay let me start off by saying
men. the species opposite of the female.
should NEVER. EVER show their feet.
unless they're on a beach,
on a beach,
or an apostle (exception judas. he has no feet because traitors dont get feet).
my favorite are what i like to call "frenchmen sandles"
i'll try to find a pic and i swear to god, if i google image the word "frenchmen sandle" and i get what im looking for.
i'm going to DIE.

THESE


now. once you wipe the sex drool from off your chin.
i just have to say. that ever since i can remember.
i have associated the epitome of rotten with these kind of sandles.
living in the same fraternity as turtle-neck sweaters on men and men who refuse to cut their fingernails (but we'll leave that for another postage)
fortunately for life, they come in women styles too.
so that every summer, i have a second job where i get a dollar for every person i see wearing them.

and then i buy a yacht.
every summer i get a new one.
i have 13 so far.
this year i wanna get one with a picture of a giant naked woman holding a sword airbrushed across the side of it.
even though i said that's the design i'd put on my helmet if i were ever a the goaltender for a professional hockey team.
there'd be a sick-ass naked woman gladiator holding up a sword in triumph on one side.
and the little kid from jerry mcguire on the other.
but that would never happen because apparently holding a shotgun at sid the kid's face while screaming "back the FUCK off!!" is not encouraged in any way, shape or form in the NHL.