besides being a full-time bad ass. i'm a collections agent. i collect moneyzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. over the phone.
people call me. i do not call them. and i just thought it'd be a total gas to point out some major dos and don't of the proverbial "call center"
- speak up. we are discussing pertinent information. unless you're currently hiding from the gestapo, anne frank, there is no need to whisper into the receiver.
- on the opposite spectrum of whispering. please do not place your mouth onto the receiver whilst you speak. I am not hearing impaired (yet), and nowhere in your phone manual is it recommended to make out with or swallow said receiver. i know you want to sound like the singer of metallica but things are gunna take a lot longer for me to process when it sounds like i'm having a convo with the devil that posessed marlena in days of our lives.
- speak english properly. i cannot tolerate another phone conversation consisting of "ees...ees...ees porque i'm not workings chu knoowwws...do..do ju have any hayjents who speaky spaneesh"
- do not swear or act condescending towards me. i speak using a very neutral, non-threatening tone. by swearing and or being a male chauvinist dickhole, you will only make me want to destroy you with my fingertips of money collecting glory.
- don't ever burp, fart or take the phone to the bathroom with you. I say this only because it has happens countless times. if you burp, i will hang up on you. if you fart, i will hang up on you. if you're in the bathroom and 3 minutes into the conversation i hear a toilet flushing. know that i am totally going to tell my colleagues that you're in the midst of an after din-din poo.
- don't cry. unless you have cancer or someone just died. i'm probably laughing at you or am going to laugh after i'm done servicing you
- don't you dare cut me off at any point of the conversation. i understand you're antsy. but you have to understand that you're probably wrong and you don't know what you're talking about.
- no, you have not reached canadian tire, the bay, or kentucky fried chicken hotline.
- the whistle guy. ever since i've started taking phone calls at work, the infamous "whistle guy" has entered my life and turned my whole world upside down. sometimes you're lucky enough to hear him/her take a deep breath but if you don't ,prepare to be deafened in one ear for the next 25 minutes or so.
- DONT EVER refer to me as "Lady", "Buddy" or the ever so popular "Michelle"
- if you're living in a canadian territory or on a reserve, i probably don't know how to pronounce the town you live in. get over it.
- there is never a moment where i'm not praying that asking someone "what is your name" does not result in a response such as "Mary Titscockanus". I can't do it. I'm too immature. a man called in once, his last name was "thongs". i lost it. so if your name has anything to do with bodily parts, fluids or women's lingerie. please call when i'm not working. thanks.
- stop asking if i can give you money. its not funny, i don't have any and if i did i would be spending it on drugs.
so that's pretty much all i have to tolerate at my jobbity-job.
i work like never times a week which gives me a lot of time to concentrate on school and being carmen sandiego.
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