my future as homemaker thusfar...

has been a monumental FAIL on my behalf.
No one wants to have my babies. Ever.
I don't even want to have my babies.
for the sole reasons that

a) doing so will ensure the explosion of my body from an average size (meh) to the size of your average industrial-sized refrigerator.

and

b) I'd be the worst mother to ever walk the face of the earth.

I have 0..wait. scratch that out..Make that less than 0. like maybe -76 maternal instincts.

Tragically, every time i hold a baby, i come marginally close to dropping said "creature of god's wonderful kingdom" about 14 times without their parent's knowledge. There they are thinking im so friendly with their bebe because i'm smiling but little do they realize that they are witnessing the nervous smiling of someone who nearly accidentaly killed their child like maybe 4 times in the last 2 minutes. With this, i have come to the haunting realization that babies have the tendency to move A LOT. and that motion tends to be generated in the unfortunate direction that is out of my arms and onto the floor. (face-first)

I'm like the opposite of a magnet. I'm like an infant repellant- like baby RAID. En plus, i know of maybe one baby that will stay in my arms without pulling a fit of the century. That and the fact that i'm there 2 minutes and i'm like "okay, take this thing away from me" but I don't actually say that. Instead, i take the highway of "whoa-hoho! look at that! she wants to come to you" and then i plop him/her (cause i know so many hermaphrodite babies) into the lap of the nearest animate object.
or inanimate. (I once dropped my baby cousin into the loving arms of a house plant)

An explanation for all this would lead to the simple fact that i dont have the ability and strength to love anyone more than i love myself. Loving myself and looking in the mirror while pouting seductively takes up most of the time in my day. Plus. babies need to be fed and stuff so that requires the patience that i just don't have.

I have been consistently hearing horror stories about girls my age getting engaged and it kinda makes me want to purge my breakfast onto the floor. I mean, personally, getting married at this moment or ever, for that matter, is very high on the list of things that completely disinterest me.

If someone were to forse me to get married right now, i would burst into tears because that would imply that i'd have to live in the shithole that is RDP for the rest of my life when my dreams lie far beyond that.
I live my life day by day in hopes that one day i will move to st. michel, quit my job and collect welfare.
(oh hells yes. what? did you think i was gunna go all soft? I think NOT)
Telling me i need to get married would be like telling me i have to work at a daycare from now on.

I know i'm going to be one of them 35 year olds that are single and no one really knows why (but they really secretly think you're gay). then everyone tries to set you up with their balding, loser relative that will be scared of you because you're not the "conventional" girl. By not "conventional" i mean not someone who sits their and smiles because that's the "cute" that has been instilled in their brains (that and REALLY liking the color pink).
I've read enough Jane Austen and i know he whole "spinster" deal. i don't really mind it besides the fact that in this day and age i won't get to wear a petticoat.
i also refuse to carry around and quote the bible.