and "war" is not a figure of speech used in lieu of "herpes outbreak".
i'm talking about one of those olden day kinds of wars with bayonette stabbing, military trench coats designed exclusively for mild weather and my all time fave: mustard gas.
sometimes i run around my neighborhood screaming "MUSSOLINI?!?!?!!?!?!"
we need another character who will do crazy shit where people will be all "where. did. THAT. come from...i thought he was such a nice guyyyy"
i do this not because i play video games
and not because i eat to many chocolate bars *spanish accent*
i do this because i'm majoring in history.
and if no one starts shit. i'm going to fucking lose it.
all i really want to do is be the author of the greatest history book on earth.
the "Menudopedia: the pediest of pedias (even more so than the 'encyclo' brand)"
and i'll hire a graphic designer. and the picture on the front cover will be the word ENCYCLO with a big X over it.
(it was between that and a picture of winnie the pooh doing in judy jetson. but i figured the latter would be some what inappropriate)
it'll be a book of all sorts of stuffs.
a little bit of brittanica...a pinch of guiness world thingy...a smidge of julia child cook bookery.
who knows..
who knows what i'll pull out of my hat (and by "hat". i do not. under any circumstance mean "panties")
if i dont do this. then random person i met will think i'm a liar.
and i don't think i can live with myself if that were to happen.
yes. i told a stranger exactly what you just read above.
then he called the cops.
then i slapped him in the mouth and ran away. got into my white bronco and there was a wild police chase on the los angeles freeway for about 3 hource. then i put the car in reverse causing a 36 car pile-up.
they eventually pulled me over where they discovered 300 pounds of uncut columbian cocaine in my trunk.
however, my main concern in this postage is.
what's the opposite of a "saussage fest".
flower fest? because bahina's (that's how ricky riccardo pronounces it!) kind of resemble flowers if you're thinking positively.
i'm trying to start a trend here...
a word that can be used when describing a weight watchers meeting
or a jazzercise class
a tupperwear party
the WNBA...
perhaps a screening of "rumor has it" starring jennifer aniston.
what if you were to say.
"this place is 'hole to hell-afied'"
cause i refer to my cooter as "the hole to hell".
it has teeth. sharp ones.
if you look close enough, you can see hitler and mao zedong playing table tennis..hitler (i call him 'dolfi') gets real upset cause mao ALWAYS wins but i'm like HELLOOOO of course he's really good at table tennis. then i whisper "he's asian" followed by stating the fact that he's probably also better at math, dance dance revolution, selling counterfeit handbags and giving manicures.
now.
re-read the part from "hole to hellafied" all the way to "giving manicures"
....
yeah. its alright. i did too and i'm like WOW.
i need to copyright that shit.
or just go around eeves dropping.
if someone ever uses the words "vagina", "Mao Zedong" and "sharp teeth" in one exquisite blurb of words.
i get to light them on fire. literally (as opposed to figuratively lighting one on fire).
i stand that they should give people who patent stuff flame throwers for that occasion where someone rips you off.
in conclusion
i am no longer granted entrance to "The Gynecology, China and Pirhana Museum"
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